What does being asexual mean to you?

It means not being sexually attracted to other people. It means looking around to find someone I may like but never finding anyone.

How do you identify within the spectrum?

I am always unsure, either full ace, or grayace. Probably just asexual with high libido.

What is your romantic orientation?

Gray romantic and bi-romantic

Do you like being commonly called “ace”?

Yes

Do you experience sexual attraction?

No

What is intimacy to you?

Is being close with someone you feel comfortable with, and wanting to be close to them

What’s your outlook on love and sex?

I want to be loved, it seems amazing, although a little foreign. Sex is fun, would like to meet someone I feel safe and loved by, to have sex as a fun activity to do together.

Do you experience sexual arousal/ masturbate?

Yes

How do you feel about people being sexually attracted to you?

It’s weird. On one hand, I like thinking that people may like me, that I can find someone who will want to be with me, but on the other hand, it feels weird and I tend to bail if I feel someone is sexually attracted to me. So if someone likes me I don’t like it, but if no one likes me, I feel bad as well.

What are your thoughts on the “A” in LGBTQIA+ often standing for “ally” instead of “asexual”?

I don’t really care. I know I am part of the community, don’t really give a damn about what people think the a means

Do you have an ace ring? What does an ace ring mean to you?

Nope.

Respond to the phrase “Maybe you just haven’t had good sex yet”

I like sex. It’s not the issue.

Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?

Monogamous

How does your experience of asexuality relate to your gender?

I don’t feel it does.

How did you first discover asexuality?

I first heard of it and thought it was weird, but that it couldn’t be me because I wanted to have sex, and I masturbate and have high libido.

How did you come to realise that you were asexual?

I don’t remember. I revisited some videos about demi sexuality thinking it might help a friend, and started to read more about asexuality to talk it over with them, and suddenly reading other people experiences I realized that a lot of things they talked about I also felt, and that things that I used to think everyone felt, wasn’t as universal as I originally thought.

How often do you have doubts about being asexual?

Every week haha. When I find someone nice to look at, when I fantasize about having a relationship. When my friends say someone is hot and I’m like “yes, definitely”. But then I stop and think “what do I feel when I think someone is hot?” and it’s just that they are very good looking. I’m ace, I’m not blind. I still don’t feel anything sexual for them. And I don’t usually find people “hot”.

How long have you identified as asexual?

For 2 years? At 26. I am still figuring it out.

Have societal pressures ever made you question your own sexual desires or lack of it?

More so with my lack of romantic crushes

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of asexuality?

Because it is something all allo people take for granted, like you don’t think about breathing, or making your heart beat. It just happens. And it’s hard to understand when it doesn’t. I still don’t really know what sexual attraction feels like, so how do I know if I lack it?

How did you start to come to terms with your asexuality?

Reading other people’s experiences and finding they echoed mine. I felt seen and not alone and if people where okay with their sexuality, I could be okay as well.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your asexuality?

I don’t know if I fully am. Some weeks are harder. This week I am not okay with it, I feel it would be easier to find someone who would love me if I just felt attraction.

Has your understanding of asexuality shifted since you first learned about it?

Yes. It’s not constantly changing, but I had a lot of steps while I learned.

What are things about asexuality you wish people understood better?

That it doesn’t mean I don’t want sex, or love. Or that I cannot enjoy or long for sensual touch. I am still hungry, just nothing looks appealing. Also, it’s not me giving up on looking for a partner, it’s just me understanding myself and realizing I am not broken. People sometimes say that “someone will come along”. I do hope so, I am still looking. Or “I don’t want you to limit yourself”. I swear I am not. I just needing to know that what I feel is valid.

Have you come out as asexual? If yes, how did you come out?

I told some people, but I don’t really feel the need to be completely open about it. I still want sex, I still want romance. I think that for strangers, or family members, it’s enough for them to know I am bi. Let them think I am picky. Once I am comfortable with someone, and I feel they can understand, I will let them know. I have told my parents and siblings, and although I am not sure they understand, at least at certain situations I can say “I am too ace for this”.

How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?

I only do if I feel it is important to the conversation. I have hinted it without coming out. Talking about how hard it is not finding anyone I like, or looking around and being frustrated about not liking anyone, but unless I feel that they won’t do the typical questions, I won’t come out.

How did people react to your coming out?

“But you had a boyfriend” “Don’t lock yourself up with a label yet” “I don’t like just any person I meet either” “I don’t get it but ok”.

I had one friend who told me she gets it because her ex girlfriend was also ace.

What’s the hardest part about coming out?

People not knowing what it is.

What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?

It’s hard, but for me it’s not because of being ace, it’s because of being gray romantic and almost never liking anyone.

What are your thoughts on dating apps?

I use them, but never found much. A lot of swiping – right? the one which you don’t like the person. I keep hoping I will like someone.

How has being asexual affected your relationships?

I only had one, I didn’t know I was ace back then, but I don’t think it was an issue. Looking back, I should have known something was weird because when we were intimidate, my mind was kinda off, like I had to make up a story to get off (there was nothing wrong with him, it wasn’t disassociating, it was just that the situation itself wasn’t enough for me). I liked the physical touch, and I liked knowing he liked me. I just felt a bit guilty because I loved him, but I felt like I should like his body. His body really did nothing for me.

Have you been romantically involved with people who aren’t asexual?

Yes. Just the one.

Do you prefer to be romantically involved with fellow asexuals?

I don’t know. Once I am in a relationship I like knowing the person is attracted to me (a bit hypocritical of me, knowing I cannot reciprocate), but as long as they love me and we have similar libidos, I wouldn’t mind. Haven’t tried it though.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

I would like to. But I am also willing to adopt. Also, sometimes I feel that I will end up living on my own, so maybe it’s futile to even think about it.

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

Yes. I am also bi/pan, so I’m doubly queer.

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

Yes.

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?

I am agnostic. Grew up catholic, but very chill, not very religious, just enough to feel that there is a god who loves us and accept us. I like praying and feeling that there is some entity out there, and that praying to the god I was taught is as good as any. I don’t believe in a god selfish enough to care if we believe in the “right one”. I don’t go to the church, and neither does my family.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your asexuality?

I feel that being a woman I though it was normal to not like people, that only boys had strong sexual attraction, and it wasn’t until I was older and met more women who were open about feeling sexual attraction that I started to question how I felt.

How do you feel about how asexuality is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

The bi community is very open. I have seen a lot of people accepting us and even claiming us into the bi umbrella because “0 attraction for all gender is equal attraction for all genders”. But also I think that a lot of people discriminate against hetero-romantic aces, because they are straight (romantic-wise). Also there is some aphobia about us bieng incels, or not being able to “get some”.

Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?

Not personally, but I am not very out about being ace.

What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?

It feels a bit over sexualized sometimes. I just like to chill.

Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?

No, I don’t really like going to places with lots of peole and loud music.

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

Yes

What are your thoughts on labels?

If they are useful to you, use them, when they start to limit and restrict you, drop them. And you are allowed to change them as you figure yourself out.

How has having the asexual label benefited you?

Yes. It helped me understand myself

How do you feel about representation of asexuality in media?

Lacking. I would like to have a sex favorable, high libido ace. Someone who want a relationship but never find people attractive. It’s a tough struggle, and I feel a lot more people would realize they are ace.

What’d you like to say to people who question asexuality as a sexual orientation?

Ok. I don;t care what you think. It’s a label that helps me and I don’t really care what others think about it.

What effects does being asexual have on your life?

It’s frustrating because I keep waiting to feel something that I don’t know I will ever feel.

How do you deal with people who are curious about your sexuality?

If they are nice about it, I explain.

How do you deal with aphobia?

If online, report. If offline, ignore and move on. If it’s a friend I would say something.

What stereotypes about asexuality do you not relate to?

Hating sex, being okay with a life without sex or masturbation. Being uncomfortable with the mere mention of sex.

What stereotypes about asexuality do you relate to?

Choosing a crush when asked. Not understanding the sex appeal of a celebrity. Certain sex comments flying over my head.

What are things to NOT say to an asexual person?

“You will find someone”. Maybe so, maybe I’ll find someone who I feel sexually attracted to and will change my label to demi. If that is the only person I ever feel attracted to, that still falls under the asexuality umbrella.

What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?

Are you a virgin?

How involved would you say you are with the asexual community?

Not very.

What are things you love about being asexual, or being part of the asexual community?

I love that there is a group of people who I am sure won’t sexualize me. Also, it always makes me laugh when people experiences echo mine.

How often do you meet other asexual people?

I met one in real life, that I know of. I suspect my bff is demi, but that’s for her to decide.

How do you recognise other asexual people irl?

You can’t.

Do you think sexuality , romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

Born with. Depending on your upbringing will realize sooner or later, or be more or less accepting with yourself, and decide on coming out or not.

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

Pretty chill.

How have you been subjected to queerphobia?

Not personally.

What would you like to say to queerphobic people?

You need to calm down. Shade never made anybody less gay.

How can people be better allies to asexual people?

Respect the fact that if someone says they are ace, they probably been thinking about it for a while, you don’t need to tell them to think about it.

What are some of your favorite pieces of media with authentic representation everyone should watch?

I like the book Loveless.