What does being asexual mean to you?

Not having sexual attraction.

How do you identify within the spectrum?

Aegosexual, someone who is aroused by sex that does not involve themself; it is a disconnection between oneself and the sexual object/activity. Someone who might have sexual fantasies, or enjoy reading erotica or watching porn, but will have no desire to be involved in the activities themselves.

What is your romantic orientation?

Aromantic (and trying to find a fitting microlabel like aegoromantic or cupioromantic, but still figuring that out)

Do you like being commonly called “ace”?

Yes, but more fitting would be AroAce in my case.

Do you experience sexual attraction?

No, i never have. I dont know what its supposed to feel like.

What is intimacy to you?

Having a special bond with somebody (but nothing sexual or romantic), like deep trust in somebody.

What’s your outlook on love and sex?

I always wanted to find someone i can love, have a relationship with. but as i learned more about what aromantic and asexuality is, i questioned my expectations i had for a partnership.

I think i always just wanted someone to do normal things with like traveling, watch movies, eat something together (bc with two people its better than alone) but with a person, thats more than a friend, like a best friend.

I saw the other things like kissing or sex mandatory in a relationship bc the society expects them from a relationship, so i never questioned it. But when i got into one and the kissing started, i never felt anything. I always saw it as obligatory in a relationship and just took it in but i absolutelly didnt like it and i still dont understand the appeal of kissing and sleeping with someone.

Do you experience sexual arousal/ masturbate?

Yes i expierince sexual arousal but i do not masturbate. I dont feel the need to touch myself, but i like reading smut or watching it (But more with fictional characters)

How do you feel about people being sexually attracted to you?

Idk, but as long as they dont try anything i dont care.

What are your thoughts on the “A” in LGBTQIA+ often standing for “ally” instead of “asexual”?

Tbh i dont like it. I mean u can be an ally but why feel the need to be included in the acronym for this?

Quote: “I have nothing against our allies. In fact, allies to the LGBT community have always been important and vital to helping us in our fight for equality. However, that does not mean that they deserve a spot in the acronym. While the experience of being an ally in the past could have been harrowing depending on how outspoken you were, it does not compare to the experience of being a member of the LGBT community” [Medium.com/Matthews Place]

Do you have an ace ring? What does an ace ring mean to you?

No, bc i dont like wearing rings at all, but i did consider it after learning about it. I think its a cool idea.

Respond to the phrase “Maybe you just haven’t had good sex yet”

why should i try something when i absolutely dont feel the need to do it?

Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?

Non-Monogamous

How did you first discover asexuality?

I dont really remember how it all started. I questioned myself before, (i mean i thought i could be bi / questioning / ally) so i visited the lgbtqia-wiki a lot for fun and looked at the flags and maybe there i saw the asexual flag, then it cklicked and so i got down the spirale and discovered even more.

How did you come to realise that you were asexual?

I looked back at my unsuccessful dating tries, watched a lot of videos, read a lot and tried to understand what sexual attraction is and as i untersood it even more i came to the conclusion that im asexual.

For me it was important to understand the different types of attractions and what im supposed to feel but personally dont

How often do you have doubts about being asexual?

As i still only learned about this a few months ago the doubts are still there and im still thinking about it alot. On some days im like, why did i even question myself and on others days im like, what if im wrong about my sexual/romantic attraction and i just didnt try hard enough to find a partner to experience that attraction.

But it helps to read about the experience from other people.

How long have you identified as asexual?

A few months

Have societal pressures ever made you question your own sexual desires or lack of it?

Yes, a lot. I felt broken. I questioned myself what was wrong with me. Why cant i do the things that seem normal for all the other people. Why is it so easy for other people?

I mean i tried and asked my friends and famliy a lot of questions about what i should be feeling and when i should start feeling something but all they said was that the right one will come and i will feel it when i fall in love and then that i would like to have sex with them. But no, the feeling never came.(“How can i know how it feels, when i never experienced it?”, where is the logic???)

My friends go on one/a few dates and can directly say, that they like this person and that they would like to date them. I never understood this. HOW???

The more time i spent with my dates, the more i felt like i was supposed to feel something, that after seeing them for some time i should start developing something, like its expected from me, like i have to follow steps when trying to date someone. But i didnt feel anything and i felt pressured about this. So i have ended things as they got more serious.

I thought maybe my expectations were to high. I did like a list with pro and contras so maybe i thougth i just wanted to see the negative things more but should have focused more on the positive things???

But i really liked my one date partner, we clicked really well and i had a lot of fun until the kissing came. I could never relax as we met each other bc i thought i needed to kiss him again and i didnt want to. I just wanted to do fun acitvities together. No kissing. I mean i can tolerate cuddling and holding hands (i didnt really feel much there either) but i didnt want to kiss all the time? why the need? i dont unterstand?

I mean, if i was really trying i would have found a partner by now, as i had a few dates and people interested in me before, but the more it developed the more stifling it felt.

I think i also wanted a partner, so i can show them to my friends and family, so that they can see im capable of having a partner. Bc people will pity you if you have no partner.

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of asexuality?

They cant imagine someone not falling in love and not wanting to have sex bc it is apparently the nature of a human being, idc. In todays societys it is an ananormity to be single and a virgin in your early twenties.

How did you start to come to terms with your asexuality?

After some time of thinking, searching for a fitting microlabel and finding it i felt, that i can accept it. For me it was important to find a fitting microlabel. I dont use the microlable active when i talk about my asexuality but i know it is there and i can identify with it.

It was much more complicated for me figuring out/accepting im aromantic, bc i didnt want to believe it at first.

There is a really good quote in the Book “Loveless”: “It was knowing, with absolute certainty, that i was never, ever going to fall in love with anybody. I had spent my whole life believing that romantic love was waiting for me. That one day I`d find it and I would be totally, finally happy. But now I had to accept that it would never happen. None of it. No romance. No marriage. No sex. There were so many things that i would never do. Would never even want to do or feel comfortable doing. […] and the worst part of it was – even though i`d longed for these, i knew that the`d never make me happy anyway. The idea was beautiful. But the reality made me sick.”

This quote really hit home deep. I always thought i wanted a romantic relationship and that life resolves around it, not being alone, having someone by ur side u can unconditionally love and getting married, getting kids, grow old together. So now it seemed that my whole lifeplan failed and i couldnt do anything against it. Seeing the truth caused me anxiety, bc i thougth i would be alone for the rest of my life if i dont have a partner and miss out on the things other people do with a partner. I wanted to experience what the people in the stories experienced. In the books i was reading it was so nice being in a relationship and loving someone. But in reality i couldnt do it.

So after a few days it was easier to accept it. I can still live a good life without a partner and there is still QPR, and i try to learn to do things alone. So i want to try to travel alone and doing stuff alone. And i still have my family and friends i can do stuff with. (Problem is, that your like the second choice, when they have a partner :c) But i will try to do the best about it.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your asexuality?

I dont know if i can say that i fully came to terms but right now i like using it for myself and it fits me the most. Thinking back i questioned my sexuality a lot. i thought maybe i like girls or am bi (bc with my tries with boys i felt nothing) but that also didnt feel right. But after hearing about asexuality / aromantic i felt like this is it. It just feels the most fitting and i am starting to like being ace/aro. I am at the point where im saying to myself “Fuck it, im using this label now and nobody can stop me, i like it, where is the merch?” xD

Has your understanding of asexuality shifted since you first learned about it?

Yes, a lot. The more u read and watch the more you learn.

What are things about asexuality you wish people understood better?

That its not a choice. I tried having relationships. I really whised for it to happen but it never felt right.

Have you come out as asexual? If yes, how did you come out?

No, i dont want to come out right now as this is extremly new to myself.

What’s the hardest part about coming out?

I think the hardest part is that u need to explain it to the most people, bc they dont understand what asexual and aromantic is.

What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?

As im also aromantic i dont experience romantic attraction and i didnt have any positive dating experience bc after meeting a few times they always wanted to do next steps like kissing and i didnt want that, so yeah. Nope.

What are your thoughts on dating apps?

I think its easy to use them. For introvert people especially. You can easy start an conversation. But i think i will never try it again. I have met a lot of cool people on there but they are searching for an romantic and sexual partner and i am not.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

No, as more of my relatives got kids i got more horrified. Just the stories they are telling about pregnancy and giving birth. I can never imagine myself. I have nothing against kids but giving birth, nah.

But i think i would be open to adoption. I dont unterstand why people dont see this is as valid Option.I mean im giving a kid a home and dont need to bear one myself.

“But its not your own!” “And why is that important, sharon? i would still love it???”

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

at first not but now i think Asexuality, Aromantic and all the other minorities are a legit part of it, bc we live in a world with a heteronormative society where the “normal thing” is being heterosexual and cisgender.

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

I dont like the word queer, bc for most people the word queer is associated with being gay and im not, i identify as AroAce.

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?

Not really, i mean im catholic but im not really living it. so its not working against each other.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your asexuality?

My experience with dating helped me identifying myself as AroAce. I dont have any traumatic experience.

How do you feel about how asexuality is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

Im only in the subreddits for ace and aro so i dont get the whole picture how its perceived but i heard storys that others dont like it in the community and dont accept it. What i cannot unterstand. And the same with pansexual and bisexual. I dont unterstand why people, especially in the lgbtqia would have something against that?

Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?

I myself not, but im not so deep in it.

What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?

Others not accepting orientations in the Community

Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?

No, but next year im definitely planning on going. I always felt that i have no right to partake in one bc i didnt identify as someone in the community but now i want to meet other Ace/Aro people.

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

Yes!

What are your thoughts on labels?

Lables helped me to accept myself and accept that im they way i am. It also helped me to know that there are other people who also feel the same and im not alone in this mess.

How has having the asexual label benefited you?

No more pressure on needing to do the deed.

How do you feel about representation of asexuality in media?

Its not enough. When you are not active searching for Ace/Aro u dont really know what it is. More representation is needed, so that more people can realize that there are others like them.

It would have helped me a lot to know it when i was younger.

What’d you like to say to people who question asexuality as a sexual orientation?

“B*tch, bye”. But on a serious note i dont think its possible to change their minds, when they themselves dont want to. Maybe try with explaining but when they dont want to change their mind its useless.

How do you deal with people who are curious about your sexuality?

I didnt come out yet so i didnt have to deal with people but just in case, i have a few explanations saved on my phone and jaidens animation video. (to dumb that my parents dont understand english)

What stereotypes about asexuality do you not relate to?

“That relationships dont work.”

I want to have a significant other who i can hang out with, trust in, and know they are there, when i come home, but not in a romantic and sexual way. Like a super best friend 😀

“Asexuals don’t belong into Queer/LGBT spaces, they haven’t been oppressed enough…. ”

I hate this. Bc thats not true. In our society its stinks of sex and romance and its everywhere. Everything in our society is not for singles. Most people dont know what Ace/Aro is and dont accept it as its just a phase and you havent found the right one.

What stereotypes about asexuality do you relate to?

asexuals like cake and dragons and want to invade denmark

What are things to NOT say to an asexual person?

Just try it, or dont give up on finding a partner you will find somebody fall in love and want to have sex with them.

What would you like to say to anyone who is asexual or wondering if they’re on the asexual spectrum?

Just try to inform you, i watched, read and searched the internet a lot. I tried to get the experience of other people in the spectrum. And dont let other people unsettle you. Only you now what you feel and what label is fitting for you

Every Asexual/Aromantic person is different, so its logical that not everything resonates with you. There are so much microlabels to look at.

How involved would you say you are with the asexual community?

Im in a lot of subreddits, im on a discord server, I try to write about my experience so other people mabye can relate with it and maybe its helps them to decide for themselves, if they are a part of Ace/Aro community or not.

What are things you love about being asexual, or being part of the asexual community?

Feeling like i can be myself. i dont need to hide myself.

What are things that most asexual people can relate to?

I think feeling broken and some point and not understanding, how other people can do it but yourself are struggling with it.

How do you recognise other asexual people irl?

Maybe through the black Ace ring or pride flags/pins. But without this, i would say no chance.

How do you meet and connect with fellow asexuals?

Discord. But i try to attend a meet up in real life in the near future.

Do you think sexuality , romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

I think both.

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

I dont think there is high oppression in my country.

What would you like people to know about asexuality?

its not a choice. I just cant feel what seems so normal for other people.

How can people be better allies to asexual people?

Just accept it and inform you. Maybe ask if they are comfortable with talking about sex and stuff.

What are some of your favorite pieces of media with authentic representation everyone should watch?

The Book “Loveless” with an AroAce protagonist. It helped me a lot in figuring myself out.