What does being asexual mean to you?

Not feeling sexual attraction towards anyone

How do you identify within the spectrum?

Sex-indifferent alloromantic asexual

What is your romantic orientation?

Homoromantic (lesbian)

Do you like being commonly called “ace”?

Yes

Do you experience sexual attraction?

No

What is intimacy to you?

Romantic/sensual closeness

What’s your outlook on love and sex?

The two are not particularly linked in my mind, but I do have positive views on both (even though I lack the desire to participate in the latter)

Do you experience sexual arousal/ masturbate?

Yes, I do have a libido, although quite low because of HRT

How do you feel about people being sexually attracted to you?

As long as no one is inappropriate about it I find it okay. Additionally, I do quite like when women I find aesthetically attractive to find me desirable.

What are your thoughts on the “A” in LGBTQIA+ often standing for “ally” instead of “asexual”?

It’s absurd. Allies are not LGBTQ. They are, definition-wise, supporters of the community, not it’s part.

Do you have an ace ring? What does an ace ring mean to you?

I don’t have one but I plan on buying it. It means to me self-assurance and security in my orientation.

Respond to the phrase “Maybe you just haven’t had good sex yet”

I don’t think any amount of sex will magically create sexual attraction in me.

Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?

I’m fairly open to polyamory but somewhat closer to monogamy right now

How does your experience of asexuality relate to your gender?

Coming out as asexual did partially help me with the start of my gender identity exploration, but there isn’t much more correlation.

How did you first discover asexuality?

I found about it in a meme in highschool, which kind of made me curious about it.

How did you come to realise that you were asexual?

I thought about my attraction to people and I wasn’t able to find any part of it that was sexual.

How often do you have doubts about being asexual?

Rarely, I’m mostly secure in my asexuality but I’m still unsure how my transition will affect it.

How long have you identified as asexual?

9 years

Have societal pressures ever made you question your own sexual desires or lack of it?

It did, but the answer was always “I still don’t feel it”.

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of asexuality?

Our society puts great importance on the subject, so when someone shows no interest it can seem alien, even profane, to people.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your asexuality?

It just clicked after a few months of introspection.

Has your understanding of asexuality shifted since you first learned about it?

Yes, I did not think sex-favourable aces existed. Now I know better.

What are things about asexuality you wish people understood better?

That it has nothing to do with libido, romantic orientation or the amount of sex you have. The core is lack of sexual attraction, nothing more.

Have you come out as asexual? If yes, how did you come out?

Yes, to close family and friends. In some cases I just said it when someone assumed that I’m straight or gay. In others I linked it with my other coming out.

How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?

I don’t tell people immediately, because I don’t think it’s their business. If I’m comfortable to talk with them alone for a longer time, I might tell them.

How did people react to your coming out?

Mostly confused, sometimes asking weird questions, but nothing to bad. Generally moderately supportive.

What’s something you wish you had known about asexuality before coming out ?

Nothing really.

What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?

Unsure, my gender identity issues stopped any dating I did. I’m only slowly starting to think about going back to it.

What are your thoughts on dating apps?

Not very useful. Too hook-up focused and a bit dehumanising when it comes to people on the other side.

How has being asexual affected your relationships?

It was one of the things that made me wary of getting into a romantic relationship. However going through transition made that wariness less prevalent.

Have you been romantically involved with people who aren’t asexual?

No, I was never in a romantic relationship.

Do you prefer to be romantically involved with fellow asexuals?

I don’t have much of a preference. There are things I prefer in Allo partners and things I prefer in Ace partners.

How do you feel about society over-sexualizing almost everything?

It’s quite annoying, as sex-positive as I am does weigh on me sometimes.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

Unsure. I am vehemently against having biological children. I might, however, adopt a child in the future.

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

Yes, obviously.

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

Yes.

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?

No.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your asexuality?

My transition helped me get more comfortable with the sex-indifferent label.

How do you feel about how asexuality is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

A bit othered, but gaining support.

Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?

No, at least not for asexuality reasons (I was harassed by lesbian TERFs for being a trans lesbian, however)

What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?

Respectability politics and gatekeeping. It’s harmful and disgusting.

Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?

Haven’t been, but planning to go next year.

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

Yes.

What are your thoughts on labels?

I think they can be conducive to learning things about yourself.

How has having the asexual label benefited you?

It helped me find people similar to me.

How do you feel about representation of asexuality in media?

It’s getting better slowly, but there is a lot of still uncovered ground.

What’d you like to say to people who question asexuality as a sexual orientation?

Why?

What effects does being asexual have on your life?

It gives me a different understanding on a lot of the world than allosexual people have.

How do you deal with people who are curious about your sexuality?

If I trust them enough I might tell them and explain l. If I don’t, I tell them it’s not something they should ask.

How do you deal with aphobia?

I mostly ignore it or say some pithy comeback.

What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being asexual?

Probably telling my parents.

What stereotypes about asexuality do you not relate to?

I hate garlic bread. Also my attitude is quite sex-positive.

What stereotypes about asexuality do you relate to?

Liking cake and being a bit robotic sometimes.

What are the most annoying things people have said to you about asexuality?

“You can’t know that yet, you’ll find someone it will work with.”

What are misconceptions about being asexual?

That we’re either all prudes or just can’t get laid. It’s nonsense.

What are things to NOT say to an asexual person?

“Oh, so you have some weird trauma?”, “Maybe it’s just a hormone imbalance” and “I can change that”.

What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?

Less asking and more asserting that my asexuality is subject to change, whether that would be because of HRT or getting into a relationship. Like, maybe, but looking at it like that is extremely unhelpful.

What would you like to say to anyone who is asexual or wondering if they’re on the asexual spectrum?

Hi, hope you’re doing well!

How involved would you say you are with the asexual community?

Not too much, but I am somewhat engaged in two asexual subreddits.

What are things you love about being asexual, or being part of the asexual community?

I love seeing other people like me and the memes can be pretty funny.

What are things that most asexual people can relate to?

Being lost in a society that assumes you have sexual attraction.

How often do you meet other asexual people?

Depends on what you mean. Outside of internet communities, I only know 3 people that are ace, but I talk to them fairly often.

How do you recognise other asexual people irl?

I check for ace rings sometimes, haven’t had any luck yet though.

How do you meet and connect with fellow asexuals?

Outside of people I already know, I don’t.

Do you think sexuality , romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

I think it’s something you are born with but it does have a degree of fluidity that I can’t deny.

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

It can be hard. Our government is quite antagonistic towards us. They basically hold a never-ending campaign of hate against us. It does seem to change views of a lot of people in our favour, though.

How have you been subjected to queerphobia?

A bit. Most people I came out to were at least somewhat supportive but I do have to deal with misgendering and deadnaming. I suspect it will get worse when I finally start living as a queer woman full-time.

What would you like to say to queerphobic people?

Hope you can overcome your bigotry.

What would you like people to know about asexuality?

We’re not robots, aliens or “psychopaths”, guys.

How can people be better allies to asexual people?

Consider us and our experiences when talking about romantic/sexual relationships.

What are some of your favorite pieces of media with authentic representation everyone should watch?

Bojack Horseman, there isn’t much else when it comes to mainstream media that shows as in a semi-realistic way.

Who are your favorite asexual celebrities or characters?

I absolutely adore Carla Rutten from Dumbing of Age. The only character I could find that is also an asexual trans lesbian.

What are your thoughts on queer-baiting?

I hate it. It feels craven, greedy and predatory.

Tell your story, opinions, experiences.

I used to think I was just a somewhat feminine straight allo cis dude when I was younger. I did however have inklings of not being as cis as I thought but ended up repressing those feelings as I was quite sure I could not be a straight woman (which I thought all trans women were). About when I was 17-18 years I started understanding that I was not allo at all. It made me even less sure about the rest of my identity. I went through a short period of thinking I’m agender, but it didn’t feel totally right. I ended up finally understanding that I had to be a trans woman at 23 and starting my transition by 26.