[dropshadowbox align=”none” effect=”lifted-both” width=”auto” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]https://medium.com/@TygerSongbird
https://twitter.com/TygerSongbird/ https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/02/time-start-celebrating-black-asexuality-media/
https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2021/10/asexual-story-exactly-lgbtq-inclusive-sex-ed-required-schools/[/dropshadowbox]
What does being asexual mean to you?
It means I don’t experience sexual attraction and I have no inclination towards participating in any sort of sexual encounters
How do you identify within the spectrum?
I am asexual.
What is your romantic orientation?
Aromantic
Do you like being commonly called “ace”?
Yes
Do you experience sexual attraction?
No
What is intimacy to you?
To me, I guess Intimacy is being close to someone who values you as who you are and cares enough to listen to your feelings and lift you up when you’re down.
What’s your outlook on love and sex?
I am aromantic asexual. I am not into romance or sex. Friends forever is how I prefer my relationships. Friendships matter a great deal to me. If I do enter into any sort of relationship, it will be a queerplatonic one, with a best buddy. That is my outlook.
Do you experience sexual arousal/ masturbate?
Yes, I do experience arousal, though I don’t really like it.
How do you feel about people being sexually attracted to you?
I don’t know. I can’t ever recall an instance of someone displaying romantic or sexual interest in me. So, I can’t tell you.
If someone were to indicate they were interested in me beyond platonic purposes, I’d have to say no and tell them that I’m not interested.
What are your thoughts on the “A” in LGBTQIA+ often standing for “ally” instead of “asexual”?
I feel it is always crucial to highlight allies who stand up for LGBTQ+ rights. That being said, saying the A stands for ally really erases the struggles and contributions of aces, who have been fighting for years. Lisa Orlando in 1972 came up with the Asexual Manifesto, and asexual people were even mentioned in name during liberation marches in the 1970s. Even beyond that, saying the A doesn’t stand for Asexual (as well as aromantic & agender) really says that asexual people don’t belong in the LGBTQ+ community, when we clearly do. For starters, asexual people are not straight. We can’t pretend to be straight. We don’t have attraction in that degree. Second, many aces have intersecting identities that coexist in tandem, such as being ace and nonbinary or being ace and trans.
One reason why we often hear why aces don’t belong in the LGBTQ+ community is that they don’t feel we are discriminated against. We get discriminated against and denigrated as being broken, abnormal, and defective for not experiencing attraction of any kind. A study found that people across all groups view asexual people as less human and less valued as contacts. Aces like me are often told we have to be fixed because of how we are, which is why we as aces are among the largest groups subjected or suggested conversion therapy. Discrimination against asexual people is not oft discussed, but it is real nonetheless. That is why I say that the statement A stands for ally is an inaccurate one.
Do you have an ace ring? What does an ace ring mean to you?
Yes. I wear it as a symbol for my asexuality. It is also a sign of my coming out, I feel. I didn’t wear an ace ring when I first discovered I’m asexual. I began to wear my ace ring after coming out publicly and ridding myself of my family & society’s opinion. Now, I wear my ace ring daily, because I love and embrace the fact I’m asexual. I love wearing my ace ring. However, I do need to get a ring in my size (large). I’ve lost some weight recently, and now my old ring doesn’t fit my fingers anymore.
What are your favorite asexual symbols?
Mine are the 4 ace cards, especially the ace of spades.
Respond to the phrase “Maybe you just haven’t had good sex yet”
What, are you offering? ?
That is my sarcasm talking.
God, I wish this statement would burn and die!
First things first, under no circumstances would sex be good for me, as I hope to never have sex ever.
Second, the idea that aces are all disgusted by sex is an inaccurate one. I am personally sex-repulsed along with being ace, but many aces aren’t. Many aces are sex-favorable and are willing to have sex with their partners. Some aces are in partnered relationships and have sex with their partners as well. They’re still ace as day is dawn, because asexuality is an innate sexual orientation that cannot and does not need “fixing”. Asexuality is about experiencing little to no sexual attraction, not being incapable of sex. Even though there are many aces who are also sex-repulsed (like me), asexuality has nothing to do with disgust towards sex and no “good sex” would change us from being ace. This is a statement derived from conversion therapy, and it needs to be retired permanently.
I honestly don’t see why so many people get angry at asexuals for just being ourselves. It’s like we are simply living our lives, and yet everyone sees that as an affront to their dogmas. It’s like they can’t stand how us existing goes against their little script as to how they think life should be, and they can’t let it be.
Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?
I am neither. My relationships are all platonic. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I don’t care to be in a relationship, romantically speaking.
How does your experience of asexuality relate to your gender?
I’m a cishet guy. Asexual men are not discussed enough as a group. Growing up, I felt an immense amount of pressure to try and fit in with the “Sex-obsessed” man. All television, movies, music, etc were telling me was that men only care about one and one thing only: sex. The stereotype of men thinking about sex every 6 seconds and the trope of “becoming a man” by having sex were constantly inundated to me. It left me in a state of feeling alienated as a guy, and it alienated me from finding my true identity and personhood.
Being an asexual man in a culture that always indoctrinates the idea that men only think about sex only leaves asexual men like me out of the picture, feeling like we have to conform to a view we just don’t fit in with. I wish there were more asexual masculine characters in television and media. I wish I had an asexual character (particularly a masculine one) growing up on television or media to look up to. I feel we need more asexual masculine characters and media figures to help show that you can be a man without doing the deed and that sex does not make you a man.
I believe that highlighting asexual men and representing them will only lead to greater freedom and liberation for men. Opening the door for asexual men to exist opens the door for all variations of masculinity to exist, free of all societal pressure.
How did you first discover asexuality?
I wrote about my Asexual Joy Story, about how I came to discover I’m asexual. Long story short, I discovered a post I made on an old website forum when I was 19, where I said I wanted to be a virgin the rest of my life, and one commenter said that I sounded asexual. Then, I started to search, and I found a post I actually made on AVEN back at 19 that said I think I can remain, and it hit me then and there that I am asexual and that I finally found the truth I had been long looking for.
If you want the whole story, read it below here from Prism & Pen.
https://medium.com/prismnpen/my-asexual-joy-story-175150a77d01
How long have you identified as asexual?
I came out as asexual at 26, and I have been identifying as ace for 6 years.
Have societal pressures ever made you question your own sexual desires or lack of it?
Societal pressure hasn’t made me question if I am asexual, per se. That being said, I some have internalized acephobia, where I feel ashamed to be a virgin. Because society loves to mock and shame virgins all the time, I feel at times ashamed to be a virgin, where I worry everyone will laugh at me for being a virgin at 32. Even though I have no interest or desire to have sex, internalized acephobia and feeling shame over being a virgin are things I experience occasionally. It’s getting better, though. I’m getting better at casting those thoughts away, and my mindstate has improved because of it.
What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your asexuality?
I was 26, and it was after searching and finding an old post I made on a website where I found a comment that said I am asexual. Then I found an old post on AVEN that spoke to exactly how I wanted to remain a virgin for life. After seeing that and seeing an old video interview on asexuality, I knew for sure I’m asexual. I cried at that moment. It was as if I finally could breathe for the first time.
What are things about asexuality you wish people understood better?
I wish people would understand that asexuality is a vast spectrum as well. It’s not just asexual, there are demisexual (experiencing sexual attraction only in the presence of a strong bond of attachment) and gray-aces as well, and we all exist under a wavelength.
Asexual people also are not all sex-repulsed, either. I personally am sex-repulsed, but there are also sex-indifferent and sex-favorable aces as well. We are ace all the same.
Have you come out as asexual? If yes, how did you come out?
Yes. I came out at different times. I came out to my best friend during a text message about 4 years ago. I came out online at the same time. Lastly, I came out last Christmas two years ago. It was interesting to say the least.
How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?
I am pretty much an open book. The people in my life all basically know. I don’t hide myself.
How did people react to your coming out?
Online, it was positive. It was great. My friends in real life were great, which was what I hoped for. My family isn’t too happy still, because they think I’m “denying God” by being asexual. They feel like I’m going to grow to be old and alone, which really speaks to how society devalues friendships as a source of companionship.
What’s something you wish you had known about asexuality before coming out ?
I wish I’d have known asexuality just existed when I was a teenager, so I could have known much earlier and not feel like a misfit because I didn’t feel like everybody else did.
What’s the hardest part about coming out?
Having people not know what it is when you tell them. So many people just haven’t heard about asexuality, so when I tell them I’m asexual, they’re like “What’s that?”.
What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?
I don’t date. I’ve never been on a date and never been interested in dating.
What are your thoughts on dating apps?
Many aces say there are not really any dating apps for asexual people to use, because so many apps are solely focused on hookups. The lack of dating apps makes it harder for aces to connect to each other. The only dating app I ever used was OKCupid, and that was only because it gave the option to find friendships. I liked it to a degree. However, I don’t really use dating apps other than OKCupid, so I can’t tell you.
How has being asexual affected your relationships?
It hasn’t. I don’t date.
Have you been romantically involved with people who aren’t asexual?
No.
Do you prefer to be romantically involved with fellow asexuals?
I would… if I were interested in dating.
How do you feel about society over-sexualizing almost everything?
I know the concept of sex sells being a concept that advertisers use to sell commerce, but for me, it just repels me in a way. I honestly feel everything is so sexualized, and I just find it really annoying and pestering.
I have no problem with sex scenes and innuendos in television, but when it’s the entire show, I just find it garish.
The whole sex sells idea just seems society’s trying to say that there is nothing more to life than sex, and that sex is the only thing that matters in this world. I personally don’t agree with that at all. I think there is so much more to life than sex. There are so many beautiful places I want to visit and so many fun activities I want to do. Sex is not on my bucket list at all.
I just don’t understand why everything is so sexualized. Then again, I’m probably not their target audience, since I’m asexual and would rather do anything else besides sex.
What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?
I’ve known I didn’t want to have kids since I was 10. I’m childfree, and I have no desire to change that.
Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
Yes
Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?
Yes, I identify as queer.
Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?
I grew up in a Christian home, but I am not really religious anymore. Growing up in the Bible Belt really made it more difficult to discover I’m asexual, because so much of the messaging is that everyone is supposed to wait until marriage and then you should get married quickly to avoid premarital sex. Welp, considering almost all of my classmates in high school and church group were already having sex, I realized then and there at 17 something was up with me. It just took me a long time to discover it, thanks to no sex education in school. No one growing up told me there was an orientation known as asexuality, and that if you don’t experience any sexual attraction, you are asexual and that’s okay. I didn’t discover that until I was 26, years removed from high school, sadly.
It’s funny, because I’m still a virgin today, and now people think of that as a sin.
Christianity was like: “Don’t have sex until you’re married!”
I said: “OK, I don’t want to get married!”
Christianity came back and said: “Wait, you can’t do that, either!”
You just can’t win.
How do you feel about how asexuality is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?
Most of the LGBTQIA+ community is kind towards aces, but there exist a contingent that seem to hate us, because they don’t feel asexual people don’t experience discrimination, and that could not be further from the truth.
Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?
Yes, I have. I love Pride parades. It is amazing. I saw some asexual people. I wish I connected with them after.
Do you agree that pride month is necessary?
Yes, absolutely. Now more than ever. There is so much hate and attacks against LGBTQIA+ people today, and it seems like there is reviving of the Lavender Scare happening, at least in America. We most certainly do need Pride Month. I hope to march in one some day.
Not to detract from the question, but speaking as an ace, we also need Asexual Day of Visibility (April 6) and Ace Week (October 23-29) to spread awareness about asexuality and highlight the causes related to asexuality.
How has having the asexual label benefited you?
I actually wrote about this on a thread I wrote.
A question that's often thrown at aces is "Why do you call yourself asexual? Why is it important to label yourself as ace?"
Here's my answer:
To be honest with you, I struggled without a label. I felt I was straight, but not really good at it. 🧵
— TygerSongbird.bsky.social 💜 🂡 ♠️🏹 (@TygerSongbird) October 29, 2022
A question that’s often thrown at aces is “Why do you call yourself asexual? Why is it important to label yourself as ace?”
Here’s my answer:
To be honest with you, I struggled without a label. I felt I was straight, but not really good at it.
Before finding out I’m asexual, I just thought everyone else was faking it about how much sex they needed. It turned out I was the one who was different. Everything came full circle when I found out I was asexual. I actually felt like my entire persona came into harmony.
So, having the label asexual helped me discover who I am.
How do you feel about representation of asexuality in media?
GLAAD’s 2021-22 Where We Are on TV report found that there were only two asexual characters in the current mix, one on HBO Max’s genera+ion, which has since been canceled.
There just isn’t really any asexual representation on television. We are seriously lacking in terms of asexual representation.
Even then, the representation in the past has been really poor (especially in terms of diversity) or miniscule. Florence in Sex Education on Netflix barely had four minutes of screen time, really. Then, there was Sheldon and Sherlock, and Steven Moffat even said that he didn’t want Sherlock to be written asexual like what the books suggest because “There would be no tension found in an asexual character”.
I wrote a post for LGBTQ Nation about why we need to feature black asexuality in media. I talk about why the lack of diverse representation hurts asexuals of color like me, who often get racially stereotyped as being lubricious libertines because of our melanin. So many people assume that asexuality is a “white” sexual orientation, and it completely erases the aces of color like me who have to fight off those said stereotypes. Having more diverse representation would help in busting those stereotypes, and it would allow aces of color like me to just exist freely as our authentic selves in the world, free from typecasting and free from the pressure of having to conform to a stereotype.
My article for LGBTQ Nation: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/02/time-start-celebrating-black-asexuality-media/
What effects does being asexual have on your life?
Knowing I’m asexual has improved my daily life, to where I feel more in tune with who I am as a person. I now feel a freedom and vivacity I’ve never felt before. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m all the better now that I know I’m ace.
What are misconceptions about being asexual?
That we are all like Gen-Z kids, some weird BS myth that always gets thrown around. I’m 32. I’ve met aces who are in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s. There are asexual people of every generation.
What are things to NOT say to an asexual person?
“Why not just try it to see if you like it?!”
“You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
“Were you sexually abused?”
“You’ve just never had me in your bed!”
Don’t ever say any of those statements, especially the last one (which is pretty rapey, honestly!)
What would you like to say to anyone who is asexual or wondering if they’re on the asexual spectrum?
I’d say that if you are questioning if you are asexual, find someone who is asexual and just ask them some questions in terms of their experience. Research into what asexuality is, there are plenty of videos about asexuality. I know of plenty, personally. However, asking someone who’s asexual or just finding a forum like r/Asexuality & r/Asexual on Reddit or just finding asexual people online like at AVEN can be a great help. We aces will be glad to help you.
Another thing is don’t feel pressure to immediately come out to the world. Allow yourself the space to process your emotions and just let the journey play itself out. I didn’t come out officially until 2 years later when I was 28. When I came out, I was confident and assured in myself and my identity. I knew it was time. I knew I was ready.
It took me a while to feel comfortable in coming out. There were things I had to work through and self-questions I need to answer on my journey to coming out. I’m glad I came out on my own time and not because I was forced to come out. When I officially came out, I felt a rejuvenation in my soul, a cloudburst of elation I had never felt before.
I’m grateful for those 2 years prior to officially coming out. I’m a much happier person now than ever before. I feel like a new me.
How involved would you say you are with the asexual community?
I’m involved every single day. I write and discuss all things asexuality on a daily basis.
What are things you love about being asexual, or being part of the asexual community?
I love the fact that I can live life on my own script. I can form the relationships I want, I can live in my own freedom that fits my persona. Knowing I’m asexual allows me to live a life in absolute freedom, independent of dogmatic protestations.
How often do you meet other asexual people?
Online, I meet them daily. In real life, it’s much more difficult to meet fellow aces. We need more asexual meetups, for real.
How do you recognise other asexual people irl?
I normally don’t. I haven’t honestly met another asexual person in real life. The only ace people I know are online. There are no asexual meetups in my area, sadly.
How do you meet and connect with fellow asexuals?
I run an asexual subreddit for one, and then I know people on Twitter. With my writing and tweets, I meet plenty of aces and I’ve done a lot of online speaking engagements with fellow aces to where we have a collective now. It’s great. Plus, I also am a member of a group known as the Ace & Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP). So, I know plenty of aces now. Now, I just need to meet up with fellow aces in my real life.
Do you think sexuality , romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?
I truly believe asexuality is an innate thing. I’ve been asexual for as long as I can remember. The thing that was influenced by upbringing was feeling like I had no choice but to be sexual, because that’s what everyone said I had to do to be accepted by them.
What’s it like being queer in your country/society?
I’m from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, the heart of the Bible Belt. It’s a quiet town with not a lot to do in terms of entertainment. Everything revolves around the church. My public high school couldn’t even do sex-education, because Christianity. The Bible Belt is very rigid in its views and it’s all Focus on the Family kind of stuff. That’s all that’s really talked about.
There’s no welcome mat to people who are atheists, non believers, or LGBTQIA+ people.
It’s easy to be stigmatized if you are not married by 22 with a ring by spring. People think you are weird.
When I turned 25, I ended up leaving the church, because everything about church became a family show, and I became ostracized by my being single. The irony is I found myself after leaving the church. I discovered my asexuality when I left church; I discovered my identity at that time. It’s interesting that I had my epiphany after leaving church altogether.
Being queer in Oklahoma, it can be quite hostile living here. I won’t even say the majority of people in the Bible Belt hate LGBTQIA+ people. It might seem that way, but they’re not. There are plenty of nice people here, especially as you go towards the cities like Tulsa or Oklahoma City. However the societal hate is interwoven, especially through religion. A lot of kids I knew hid in closets until they were able to leave and never return. It’s a saddening thought.
How have you been subjected to queerphobia?
Yes. What’s funny is that we aces get hate from both inside and outside the LGBTQIA+ community. We already acknowledged the ally component and how it erases the fact aces have been fighting for LGBTQ+ rights alongside. Many in the LGBTQ+ community still hate on aces, because they think that we aren’t oppressed enough. Even though we are subjected to conversion therapy at the 2nd highest rate and face one of the highest rates of corrective rape and homelessness, many in the LGBTQ+ still hate us for being asexual and say we are trying to take away resources from the rest of the LGBTQ+ community. So, a sizable percentage of the hate I’ve received as an ace has been from within the LGBTQ+ community, which honestly sucks.
What would you like people to know about asexuality?
Just because we don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean we are cold and heartless. There are many different attractions that many ace people feel, such as aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, platonic attraction. Asexual people are not incapable of feeling and giving love. Asexual people form relationships that fit who we are as people, and we find fulfillment in that.
When we speak up about asexual rights and asexual visibility, we are fighting for everyone, not just ourselves. For so long. society to its detriment always said that love = sex, perpetuating the false statement that there is no love without sex.
Statements like that feed into a concept known as amatonormativity that says that romance (and sex) are the only loves that count, and without them one is incomplete. Amatonormativity poses a barrier to forming friendships and relationships that build us up as people by basically closing off the possibilities of forming strong, platonic bonds. It can lead to harmful consequences like entering bad and toxic relationships to avoid being single and cutting off friendships because of the expectation of being with a “one and only”. We aces speak about the harms of amatonormativity in hopes of showing that there are so many different ways to have quality relationships that aren’t focused on sex and and that you don’t need to have a romantic relationship to “complete” you, because you are amazing in your own right.
We asexual people fight for everyone, not just ourselves.
How can people be better allies to asexual people?
I think the best way to be an ally to aces is to help place us in conversations in general. For instance, don’t say that everyone wants sex, because there are plenty of asexual people like me who simply don’t want sex at all. It excludes us whenever that is said.
Asexual visibility is scarce in media at all levels. There just are few shows in television and music figures that platform asexual people. This hurts kids who grew up like me, who grow up without any figures to identify with and find it a struggle to know who they are due to asexuality being an invisible orientation. Platforming asexual people and listening to asexual people to get proper representation will help so many kids who are like I was find their identity and ultimately freedom. So, leave a seat at the table for us.
This is more directed towards fellow LGBTQIA+ members, but please don’t say that aces don’t get discriminated against. I’m not saying we face more discrimination that other groups, but please learn the ways we are discriminated against and see how we are not exempt from discrimination as well.
I created a thread below that explains how asexual people are discriminated against in full. This is just a short excerpt of the many ways we are discriminated against.
People say that asexual people don't face discrimination (and thus don't belong in the LGBTQ+ community). Here's a reply for that:
A 2012 study of bias among college students, for example, found that asexuals were “viewed as less human, and less valued as contact partners…"
— TygerSongbird.bsky.social 💜 🂡 ♠️🏹 (@TygerSongbird) March 19, 2022
What are your favorite asexual quotes?
“Give your friendships the magic you would give a romance. Because they’re just as important. Actually, for us, they’re way more important.”—Alice Oseman, Loveless
You deserve to be loved for the asexual person you are. —Cody Daigle-Orians, Ace Dad Advice
So the first thing to hold to here: there’s nothing inherently essential about those milestones. There’s nothing inherently “important” or “vital” in them. We can release ourselves from the pressure of hitting them at specific times in our lives, or we can release them as expectations entirely. And we’ll be fine. We aren’t on a schedule and we can want what we want, chrononormativity be damned. —Cody Daigle-Orians, Ace Dad Advice
A sex-positive movement that doesn’t include asexual people is not really sex-positive. A sex-positive culture that is not accepting of asexual people desiring not to have sex is not sex-positive at all. It is just a reactionary movement as constraining as Puritanical culture, removing the right for everyone to live life on their own terms and according to their own scripts. Sex positivity without asexuality is a movement devoid of true liberation.—Tyger Songbird (Me)
https://medium.com/@TygerSongbird/top-10-signs-i-knew-im-asexual-episode-2-56695efc8c15
What are some of your favorite pieces of media with authentic representation everyone should watch?
Most asexual representation is usually done as a short cameo of a story, not as a dimension to the story. Spooner from Legends of Tomorrow is one that’s like that.
Big Mouth was excellent in the season 6 episode Asexual Healing. Big Mouth really did a fantastic job highlighting the struggles of growing up asexual in a culture so focused on sex. They really showed how alienating it can be. I saw myself when I was younger in Elijah.
I can’t neglect to mention Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman. Aaron Paul as Todd did a perfect job representing being asexual through Todd. He has really has helped so many people who had been searching for clarity discover they are ace .
The best part about both shows is that the producers of the show reached out to asexual people to gain understanding of how to create great asexual representation. Echo Gillette is an asexual artist on Youtube, and the Bojack Horseman team brought her on to not only play Todd’s girlfriend Maude in Bojack Horseman but to also be inclusion writer. Big Mouth worked with ACE Los Angeles for further guidance on Elijah’s story.
To me, that’s what makes them so great. They really reached out to ace voices to gain a better understanding of how to best represent who we are as asexual people.
Quick shout-out to Koisenu Futari as well! I didn’t want to misrepresent them, as well as Connor Hawke from the DC Universe for coming out as ace this year!
Who are your favorite asexual celebrities or characters?
Yasmin Benoit, Cody from Ace Dad Advice, and Alice Oseman
Give a message to the queer community
You’re amazing, you’re awesome, and you are deserving of love as you are! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!