What does being asexual mean to you?
It simply means not experiencing sexual attraction.
How do you identify within the spectrum?
I identify as 100% asexual, meaning I have never and probably will never experience sexual attraction.
What is your romantic orientation?
Up in the air! I am lover of romance, but like my sexual attraction, I don’t believe I have ever experienced romantic attraction. However, I am not yet confident identifying on the aromantic spectrum.
Do you like being commonly called “ace”?
Yes, I think it’s a cute term
Do you experience sexual attraction?
No
What is intimacy to you?
The only intimacy I have ever been comfortable with is platonic intimacy. This involves emotional closeness, being able to sit comfortably in each other’s presence, being able to share special pieces of information about yourself. It also involves a deep level of trust, a quiet understanding of love and respect.
What’s your outlook on love and sex?
I love love! I adore romantic storylines and the entire aesthetic associated with romance. I am truly happy for my friends when they’re happy in love and I think how smitten they get is so adorable. I’m usually their No.1 fan, too, rooting for them to work out. As for sex, as a concept it is super cool. It’s fun, and freaky, and honestly sometimes hilarious. It’s also a great way to test trust between individuals, and strengthen their relationships. Sex just isn’t in the stars for me, and maybe romance isn’t either.
Do you experience sexual arousal/ masturbate?
I experience having a libido and yes I do masturbate. My libido lines up with my menstrual cycle. Sometimes I enjoy masturbating, usually when I’m envisioning a fantasy I am detached from, and other times I feel disgusted afterwards, usually when I’ve tried to imagine a myself *actually* having sex.
How do you feel about people being sexually attracted to you?
I do not like *the look*! I’ve dated plenty of people, and every time they give me the once or twice over I get the ick. Initially it’s flattering, but realistically it’s awkward because I just don’t feel the same way, and I feel like I’m being rude or fake.
What are your thoughts on the “A” in LGBTQIA+ often standing for “ally” instead of “asexual”?
A is for asexual! Asexuality is a severely underrepresented orientation that comes with its own hurdles, confusion, and society-induced shame. Allies are great, we need them, but they are spectators and we are players.
Do you have an ace ring? What does an ace ring mean to you?
No, but I have thought about getting one. It would mean being able to be identified to others on the street. Not necessarily so others will approach me, but so they can see it and feel seen and not alone.
Respond to the phrase “Maybe you just haven’t had good sex yet”
I haven’t even had sex, let alone “good sex”. What can another human do to me that I can’t do to myself anyway? The emotional aspect? We don’t need to take out clothes off to be emotionally close.
Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?
I am monogamous. If I were to get into a relationship it would definitely be a monogamous committed situation. No sharing, that’s my special person!
How does your experience of asexuality relate to your gender?
Initially, when I was struggling to come to terms with my asexuality, having previously thought I was simply a lesbian, I began to feel like “a nothing”. If I didn’t have an orientation, then I supposed my gender and sex wasn’t necessary. Now that I am comfortable being ace, my gender and sexuality are at peace. I feel like a woman who just so happens to be ace.
How did you first discover asexuality?
A google search asking “why am I scared of having sex with men” when I was seventeen.
How did you come to realise that you were asexual?
From 2017 until 2022 I went through many cycles. Thinking I’m ace, ignoring that and trying to date boys, and then realising women are amazing, dating them and having fun but getting squeamish with kisses and physical touch, and then coming back full circle to asexuality. It took me a long time to accept I was ace because I identified so strongly with being a lesbian. Now I know both labels can exist peacefully together.
How often do you have doubts about being asexual?
All the time! When I’m thinking about my future and when I’m watching sweet romantic scenes I start to seriously doubt myself and try and ignore my feelings. Sometimes I find my mind wandering back to the dating apps thinking “this time it’ll be different! I just have to try harder.” But of course, that’s not how it works.
How long have you identified as asexual?
Eight months
Have societal pressures ever made you question your own sexual desires or lack of it?
Absolutely! The prevalence of sex in media has made me believe I should want and seek out sex. It’s just normal to want it. I have often thought there must be something wrong me, or there is something that I’m doing wrong because I haven’t experiences sexual attraction.
Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of asexuality?
You can’t conceptualise nothing. Trying to explain asexuality or understand it is trying to prove a negative. The imbedded nature of sex and romance in our society also makes it difficult to understand. “Sex is great! How could you not want it?” But here’s the kicker, it’s not necessarily that we don’t want it, it’s that there’s no desire *to want* it.
How did you start to come to terms with your asexuality?
I stopped gaslighting myself out of my feelings.
I was dating a really lovely and hot girl and we had so much in common, but I was so mad with myself that I wasn’t feeling the connection she was. I tried to ignore the fact that I don’t like kissing, and tried to believe that if I just kept trying I’d start to feel all the good things I know you’re meant to feel in a relationship. But then I realised I had to be honest to myself and to her because I felt like I was leading her on. That experienced forced me to be real with myself and accept something I was trying to deny.
What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your asexuality?
When I was able to slip it into casual conversation with another ace friend. She was so excited and welcomed me into the ace club.
Has your understanding of asexuality shifted since you first learned about it?
It has. It doesn’t feel like a curse anymore, doesn’t feel like something I have to fight against. The ace spectrum is full of so many expansive experiences. No two aces are the same! And there is no one way to be ace.
What are things about asexuality you wish people understood better?
I wish people didn’t assume asexuality is a fear of sex. It’s not a trauma induced orientation, just like homosexuality isn’t trauma induced. There is no rhyme or reason for being asexual, we simply are.
Have you come out as asexual? If yes, how did you come out?
Most of my friends know. It just came up in conversation when asked how my dating life’s going. I also came out to my brother sort of accidentally and I was surprised he knew what asexual meant! I haven’t told anyone else in my family.
How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?
It’s not an important part of who I am, so I don’t usually bring it up. I bring up being gay before I bring up being ace. If they appear queer friendly I usually feel comfortable talking about it.
How did people react to your coming out?
When I thought I was demisexual and tried to explain my experience to a friend she wasn’t very receptive to it, thinking it was a normal experience. And now when I try to explain asexuality there’s a lot I have to say to get them to understand, so I’ve been told many times that I’m thinking about it too much and that I’ve got to relax. I’ve also had people just straight up tell me not to be so uptight or prudish.
Despite this, most people have been accepting.
What’s something you wish you had known about asexuality before coming out ?
I wish I had more knowledge on it before I initially started coming out. I couldn’t explain it very well so was met with pushback by people who didn’t understand. Now I know what to say and how to convey my experience better.
What’s the hardest part about coming out?
Even though I can explain it better now, I still have to explain. I’ll say I’m asexual and then I’m expected to provide a thorough lecture on the topic. I never had to do that when I came out as just lesbian.
What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?
It has been very difficult. I always wondered why I never found any success through dating, despite dating so many wonderful women. That was until I finally accepted I’m asexual. I have still never been in a relationship. What they want simply hasn’t been what I want.
What are your thoughts on dating apps?
They’re a great tool and I think you can find relationships through them, I have quite a few friends who have and are happy. They definitely have not worked for me! And once I slapped the word “asexual” on my bio I got far fewer matches.
How has being asexual affected your relationships?
It has affected me trying to get into a relationship because I do not want nor feel comfortable in physically intimate scenarios, which of course is necessary for most people.
Have you been romantically involved with people who aren’t asexual?
Yes, it’s never worked out.
Do you prefer to be romantically involved with fellow asexuals?
Yes, there was a person I dated who was demisexual and they were really cool. It didn’t work out between us for reasons unrelated to our sexualities. But dating them felt calming and refreshing and like I could just be me.
How do you feel about society over-sexualizing almost everything?
It’s nauseating. Our over-sexualized society means men and women can’t ever just be friends, it means immediately assuming your friend likes someone sexually when they say “I like X”, leaving no room for asexuality. It means excluding young people from an honest and appropriate discussion around gender and sexuality, too.
What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?
I have never wanted kids, even before I began interrogating my sexuality. My orientation doesn’t play into that, it’s simply my preference.
Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
Yes. I have identified as part of the LGBTQIA+ community for three years as a lesbian. Now I also identify as ace, I do feel like I have more queer points haha
Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?
Yes, this word encapsulates so much and it’s so easy to use. “I’m queer” means “I’m not what you’d expect”.
How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your asexuality?
S/A TW
I have often contemplated if my sexual trauma impacted my sexuality. First when I thought I was lesbian, I thought that was because being sexually assaulted at a young age made me fear men. And then when I figured I’m also ace I told myself that’s because of the trauma. But as I mentioned earlier, sexual orientations are not trauma induced. You can be queer or cishet with or without trauma.
How do you feel about how asexuality is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?
The LGBTQIA+ community is very sexually driven. Asexuality is not respected or understood by most queer individuals, and no space has been given for aces in the community.
Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?
I haven’t ever experienced discrimination in the community.
What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?
The lack of day time non alcoholic venues and events for lgbtqia+ people. Really would be nice to have a queer cafe near me.
Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?
Yes I have, it was very fun and I had a great time. Only went once before COVID. But Sydney, my home city, is hosting 2023 World Pride! So that is very exciting.
Do you agree that pride month is necessary?
Yes I do. If nothing else it shoves the rainbow into conservatives’ faces and let’s them know that we’re here. Not the biggest fan of rainbow capitalism, but it gets the message across at least.
What are your thoughts on labels?
Each to their own. No one can tell you how to identify and labels really help you to articulate what you’re feeling and let you know that you’re not alone. Personally, I don’t like using so many. I think it gets unnecessarily specific and complex. I’m gay ace, or queer, that’s it.
How has having the asexual label benefited you?
Having the label has helped me understand myself and what I want in life and relationships.
How do you feel about representation of asexuality in media?
What representation? The only representation I’ve seen is one side character in one episode ten episodes into a series, or someone who comes out a few seasons into a show. The only ace rep I’ve seen that’s about asexuality is Loveless by Alice Osman, but man it’s a good book.
What’d you like to say to people who question asexuality as a sexual orientation?
I would say to them to have a bit more empathy. Everyone in this world is different. Just because you don’t understand it and aren’t taking he time to understand it doesn’t mean it’s fake. Asexual people have always been here, you just haven’t even looking.
What effects does being asexual have on your life?
It’s going to affect my future situations. Where I once imagined living with someone, I now imagine living by myself with two dogs. No one in my family has questioned me about my lack of partners yet, but I’m sure they will in time. That is going to be an awkward discussion…
How do you deal with people who are curious about your sexuality?
I’m an open book! I love sharing my experiences and I’m very honest. If someone has a genuine question, I am very happy to answer and provide them with alternative perspectives.
How do you deal with aphobia?
I’m not sure if I’ve encountered aphobia, but I have experienced my friends forgetting or ignoring I’m ace and saying and doing things towards me that make me uncomfortable. Usually when they’re drunk… I have also experienced people talking about something sexual or about relationships and then going “oh but you wouldn’t understand.” Bruh, I have dealt with all of my friends’ relationships. I have experience by proxy.
What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being asexual?
Coming to terms with it. That was the most difficult time. It took me around a year and a half to feel comfortable with it and accept it. Mainly because I didn’t have anyone around me who could understand.
What stereotypes about asexuality do you not relate to?
The prude, the socially awkward, the introvert, the conservative, the innocent ignorant flower, the sex-repulsed.
What stereotypes about asexuality do you relate to?
The prude, the socially awkward, the introvert, the conservative, the innocent ignorant flower, the sex-repulsed.
What are the most annoying things people have said to you about asexuality?
I have had people say “oh you’ll find someone someday”. When people respond to my explanation with “you’re overthinking this” or “love is meant to be hard it’s not easy”. Very annoying.
What are misconceptions about being asexual?
That we’re all prudish innocent naive dorky people who don’t know what the real world is like.
What are things to NOT say to an asexual person?
Is it because of trauma?
You can still date people like normal.
That’s sad, you’re such a catch.
Never say never!
Are you sure it’s not a hormone imbalance?
Is it because of your mediation?
What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?
What do you look for in a partner?
When are you going to date again?
What would you like to say to anyone who is asexual or wondering if they’re on the asexual spectrum?
If you have never or rarely experience sexual attraction (where someone’s body and looks make you feel physically hot and flustered and makes you want to be near them) the congratulations, that’s all it takes to be acespec.
You’re not overthinking it. You’re not weird. Your experience is valid.
How involved would you say you are with the asexual community?
I don’t feel like there is much of a community. The only ace circles I’ve found are online. And I don’t always connect with those groups.
What are things you love about being asexual, or being part of the asexual community?
I love that I feel free now knowing and accepting that I’m asexual. I don’t have to waste my time or force myself to go on dates with random people. I love the discussion around sex and relationships that asexuality is generating. We’re exploring more nuances and dynamics and expectations in relationships.
What are things that most asexual people can relate to?
Feeling uncomfortable or confused in sexual situations. Being confused as to what sexual attraction is and why it is such a powerful feeling. Missing sexual jokes.
How often do you meet other asexual people?
Never, I know only two other aces in my life.
How do you recognise other asexual people irl?
The black ace rings help! Along with ace flags or pins.
Do you think sexuality , romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?
A bit of both. We’re all genetically predetermined, impacted by our childhood, and have agency over our own lives. It’s all a balance.
What’s it like being queer in your country/society?
I am lucky to live in Australia where being queer in every capacity is legal and embraced. We also have strong anti-discrimination laws
How have you been subjected to queerphobia?
Yes I have, by family and online.
What would you like to say to queerphobic people?
Same as before, have some more empathy. People are just living their lives and want to spread love. If people are being more true to themselves and loving each other, then the world will be a better place.
What would you like people to know about asexuality?
We’re here and we always have been. We are happy being ourselves with this orientation. The only reason we’d get upset or confused is because society’s default is allosexuality.
How can people be better allies to asexual people?
Do you own research please! Don’t expect the only ace person in your life to explain it all and be the only representation of the community.
What are your thoughts on queer-baiting?
Any actor can play queer characters! Queer baiting is only when the literature teases a character as being queer and then never reveals that as true. Kit Connor from Heartstopper coming out before he was ready is a tragic product of toxic internet culture.