i go by Z/Remi/Iris. my pronouns are they/ze/xem or just my name(s) as a pronoun. I am agender/agenderflux I also identify as nonbinary

What does being agender mean to you?

to me it means not identifying as anything and not having to conform to any kind of stereotype or gender norms. the way I see it, i’m just me. i’m not anything else. not a boy. not a girl. just a person named Z.

What are your thoughts on the concept of gender?

I don’t really think it’s real. like your valid for identifying as a gender, but i see it as construct. i think gender is only real in the sense that money is “real.”

though, even if it is a social construct i think you should definitely identify as whichever gender makes you comfortable.

the way i see it, gender identities and pronouns are just the pretty words that decorate who you are.

Have you ever doubted the existence of gender?

that depends, do mean like how my mom doesn’t believe in gender? or like do i think it’s a social construct?

If your asking like in the way my mom does, then yes for a while I did. see, my mom believes that there are only two genders, boy and girl, even if you’re intersex. she thinks that any other gender is stupid and doesn’t exist, and for a while, i developed a similar opinion.

yeah for a while actually i was enbyphobic. I would never say anything about them, but I always kinda looked down on nonbinary people, until i realized i was one myself. and even now, i still sometimes look down at myself for it.

but now i see just having two boxes, boy and girl, as too restraining for me.

i think any gender is fine and valaid. but i do think it’s a social construct.

Do you think society as a whole would function differently if no one was assigned a gender at birth?

yes, i think it would be very different. i think it would be a lot freer and there would be less judgment in the world when it comes to identity and expression.

Do you feel agender? If so, what does that feel like?

maybe not for you, but for me, agender feels like freedom. you are bound to no societal pressures. and you can be who ever you want. it feels like i’m nothing, but in a good way. i’m nothing, but i am everything. that’s what it feels like to me.

Is there a term you use to describe yourself?

i go by many terms, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary, enby, a person, most neutral terms i’m fine with.

Do you consider yourself non-binary?

yes I do.

Do you consider yourself transgender?

eh that depends. sometimes?? I often wish my body was different. and fantasize about what it would be like to have a flatter chest, or different genitalia. but i wouldn’t say i’m trans in a ftm sense.

Do you plan on transitioning in any way? Name change, pronouns, surgery etc…

i go by my birth name still and have no intention of changing it, but i do go by other names that i like just as much that are more gender neutral.

I use they/them ze/zir xe/xem and (name)/(name)’s pronouns.

and i’ve thought about getting top surgery but i might just bind.

What are your preferred pronouns and how did you decide?

I use they/them ze/zir xe/xem and (name)/(name)’s pronouns. I decide just on what felt most comfortable to me. a website that helped me though is call pronoun dressing room i forget the exact website title but just put “pronoun dressing” room into google and it should be the first thing that pops up.

How strict are you with making sure people use your preferred pronouns and how vital are they to easing dysphoria?

admittedly i’m a lot less strict than I’d like to be ?

actually my parents flat out said they would not use my pronouns and i was just like “oH, okAy…”

usually i just tell people my pronouns and if they don’t use them I don’t say anything (I wish i did but i’m not brave enough ?)

but as for dysphoria I think it eases it a lot. I mean i don’t really get very dysphoric but i feel very validated and euphoric when someone uses my correct pronouns, so I do think it’s very important.

How soon after meeting someone do you explain your agender identity and ask them to use non-gendered terms and your preferred pronouns?

well I haven’t really met anyone new sense i came out last summer (my social life’s kinda sad/hj) but when i came out to my friends, i was just like “hey, I’m agender! these are the pronouns i use, these are the terms i’m comfortable with.” and online i just put my pronouns in my bio.

What are your thoughts on dead naming?

ew no don’t do it.

i think it’s disrespectful because someone hearing their deadname can make them feel vary dysphoric and unvalidated. and i think it’s really rude to even use it behind their back.

i don’t have a deadname though, so i can really say how i would feel if someone used it.

What is your preferred honorific?

mx. or mst.(mist) :>

How would you describe your sexual orientation?

I identify as lesbian! I am and always have been only attracted to women. though as far as i am aware, i do not have a genital preference.

Did understanding your agender identity change your understanding of your sexuality?

kind of. I thought i might be bi for a while but it turns out the attraction i was feeling was just gender envy.

I identified as lesbian before i new i was agender, and i still identify as lesbian now.

Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?

I think I’m monogamous but i’ve never been in a serious relationship to know for sure.

What is your gender expression?

I think i usually present pretty femme but but I dress pretty much any way I feel most comfortable at any given time.

Do you feel dysphoria? What is dysphoria like for you?

I don’t feel a lot of dysphoria. I just do whatever makes me most euphoric.

though, i guess sometimes i do have some dysphoria, but it’s never really more than an “ehhh i don’t really like that.”

How often do you have doubts about your gender identity?

omgggg all the time lmao. especial sense neither of my parents are very supportive of it. everytime i have a thought i deem “not very agender” i’m always like “oh nooo my mom was right! I am just a confused girl!”

How often do you feel a desire to present or identify as identities aside from agender, be it your AGAB (assigned gender at birth), the opposite one, or non-binary?

I like how i present. which is usually more on the femme side. but i do wish i looked more androgynous so people would stop assuming i’m a girl all the time.

What are your thoughts on gender nullification surgery?

I didn’t even know what that was until i googled it for this question but omg i think that might be what i want!

How did you first discover agender?

I was really confused about my gender so i was googling like different identities and stuff until i came across it.

How did you come to realise that you were agender?

well when I saw the definition of agender i was like “holy crap that’s me!!!”

How did it change how you lived your life, if it did at all?

well it certainly has changed my view of my parents, but I’ve felt more like myself than i think i ever have.

How long have you identified as agender?

i think about 5 or 6 months now

Have societal pressures ever made you question/suppress your agender identity?

well i don’t know if it’s societal pressures exactly but my mom makes me question stuff because she says stuff like “you know you can be a masculine girl right?” but that might be a little different.

but i haven’t really felt pressure to be androgynous or anything. sometimes i wish i looked androgynous so people would stop thinking i was a girl.

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of agender?

I think because people are just to used to the idea of two genders and that’s it. my mom think that more genders than that just makes it too confusing.

but i think people have just oversimplified it too much. so when people are like “actually it’s a little more complicated than that-” they’re like “no it’s not! you’re just making it TOO complicated, this is all just new nonsense confusing stuff that you’ve pushed on us!”

but that’s not really true because people in other cultures have had other genders like way before nonbinary was even a term.

How did you start to come to terms with your agender identity?

well it wasn’t easy… i used to be kinda enbyphobic so it was hard for me to except. but eventually i was like “you know what, if this is wrong, i don’t want to be right.” and ever sense then my life’s been a lot happier.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your agender identity?

you know i don’t know if i have completely yet. i think it’ll take some time. like i know i am agender. but sometimes i still have my doubts. but every day i seem to feel more and more comfortable.

Has your understanding of agender shifted since you first learned about it?

well i always had a kind of “no gender only vibe” feeling about it. but i guess, sense i’ve been exploring my agender identity i’ve been feeling more and more free, and i’ve been learning just how fluid being agender can be.

What are things about agender you wish people understood better?

I wish people new that it’s not putting ourselves into a box, but that’s actually being outside of the box that society has put us in. and i wish that people just could understand the concept of their being more than to genders as a whole better.

Have you come out as agender? If yes, how did you come out?

I’ve come out to all my friends and a few family members.

for my friends I was just like “hey guess what i’m agender!”

my cousin i think was the first person i came out to. he’s a demiboy and queer-romantic so i new they wouldn’t have a problem, so i was just like “btw i think i’m agender.”

with my aunt, sense they’re only 3 years older than me, we’re very close, and they’re bi and i’m lesbian, so we talk about like lgbtq stuff a lot, and i was venting about my parents and their stances on like lgbtq stuff. and i was trying to explain something that just didn’t really make sense if i didn’t tell them i was agender so it just kind of slipped out.

How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?

I decide to come out to my friends because i knew they would be supportive and if they weren’t i wouldn’t want them as friends anyway.

and i decided to come out to my cousin because i already new they were a demiboy and queer-romantic so i new they wouldn’t have a problem.

and my aunt i wasn’t really sure about because i didn’t know how they felt about nonbinary people but the opportunity to come out came so i took it.

and my parents i didn’t actually want to come out to, but I didn’t really have any other choice, I was actually feeling depressed about not being out to them, and they noticed and made me tell them what was wrong.

I want to tell my other aunt next. i think she’ll be accepting, because she was very accepting about my cousin and helped them transition.

and as for new people i usually just tell them right away so i don’t have to be constantly coming out.

How did people react to your coming out?

my friends were very supportive of me which i’m very grateful for!

when i came out to my cousin he was just like “ok cool, what are your pronouns?” which like- best. cousin. ever!

and after i came out to my aunt, i was like “thank you for being so cool abt this!” and they were like “ofc! i will always support you no matter what!” which like made me cry a little bit lol

and then like later when i was telling them about my pronouns and stuff i found out that they’re also nonbinary and that they also use they/them pronouns! which was pretty cool! (btw i asked them, and they said they’re still comfortable being referred to as aunt).

and when i came out to my parents my mom said “just so you know we’re not gonna use any new names or pronouns for you.” and my dad said “you’ll always be my DAUGHTER. and we’re not ready to call you anything else yet.” and my mom also said that she thinks that nonbinary is stupid and too overcomplicated. and i was just kinda like “oh…”

What’s something you wish you had known about agender before coming out ?

nothing really. i just told people i was agender and i used they/them pronouns. they didn’t really need to know anything else.

What’s the hardest part about coming out?

probably my parents reaction. i felt really crappy after i came out to them.

What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?

idk the only dating experience i’ve ever had was when i was an edater when i was like 12 lol

What are your thoughts on dating apps?

I think they’re fine. but i think it can be tricky to find the right person if you’re trying too hard just to be in a relationship.

How has identifying as agender affected your relationships?

well it definitely changed the way i view my parents, but it’s brought my aunt, my cousin, and I a lot closer I think.

What is it like filling legal forms about gender?

I wouldn’t know i don’t think every ever filled out any of those. but putting my gender on like social media accounts feels awesome now!

What is it like using public restrooms?

i use the bathroom that matches the gender i was assigned at birth. it doesn’t really bother me.

Does sexism affect your life in any way?

I mean i present pretty femme so sometimes yeah.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

I would like to, yes.

If you were to have kids someday, what would you like them to refer you as?

I actually don’t know. i’ve been looking into it, and i like baba for like when the kids younger but idk what i’d have them call me when they’re older. bab?

What are your thoughts on skoliosexuality (attraction to any gender or nongender that isn’t cisgender)?

that seems interesting to me. ig i don’t have a strong opinion. you do you.

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

yes i am the A! (agender not ace)

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

yes i do! :>

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?.

I’m not super religious but i believe that if god does exist that god loves you no matter what you are.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your agender identity?

idk, i feel like if my mom was more open minded, i wouldn’t feel as bad about it, ig?

How do you feel about how agender is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

I don’t really know much about that. well i hope?

Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?

no, not yet anyway.

Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?

no, I’m hoping to next year though!

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

yes, very much so! it’s a celebration of how far we’ve come but it’s also a reminder of how hard the people before us had to work to get where we are today.

What are your thoughts about “ally” being added to the LGBTQIA+ acronym?

I don’t I think they should be added. first of all being an ally isn’t really that big of an accomplishment. like don’t get me wrong it’s good if you support us, but in my opinion being an ally is just kind of the bare minimum you can be.

like oh you don’t hate gay people? that’s good. but i don’t really think it’s worthy of a pat on the back let alone a place in the community.

What are your thoughts on labels?

I think labels are really helpful in finding yourself and finding a community, but it’s also important to know that you don’t have to be one label forever if you feel it’s not right for you.

How has having the agender label benefited you?

I feel more connected realizing there’s more people like me out there. i don’t feel as alone as I did when I was still figuring stuff out.

How do you feel about representation of agender in media?

what agender representation? lol

What would you like to say to people who question agender as a gender identity?

I mean does it really matter if it’s real or not? like people are happy identifying as agender. and if people are happy and it’s not hurting anyone else, what’s the problem?

Do you think that some of the misconceptions come from the idea that gender and sex are the same thing?

yes, I do. like their are more genders! I wish people understood that better.

A kid asks if you are a boy or a girl, respond.

“eh..”

How do you deal with people who are curious about your agender identity?

if they have questions i answer them. it’s not that big a deal.

How do you deal with unfair/mean comments?

I usually just ignore it. or sometimes i ask people about their opinion to better under stand it. like “oh why do you feel this way?”

What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being agender?

probably either accepting that part of myself, or trying to explain it to my mom.

What agender stereotypes do you not relate to?

I’m pretty new the community, so i don’t really know of any stereotypes

What agender stereotypes do you relate to?

again couldn’t really say

What are the most annoying things people have said to you about being agender?

probably when my mom said something like “you’re either just a masculine women or a feminine man.”

What are misconceptions about being agender?

I haven’t been in the community long enough to know of any.

What are things to NOT say to an agender person?

don’t give us your opinion like “oh i think agender’s not real.” no one wants to hear it, and it doesn’t help anybody. -_-

What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?

people don’t really ask me questions.

What would you like to say to anyone who is agender or wondering if they are?

it’s okay if you are, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. only you can know who you are.

How involved would you say you are with the agender community?

I answer questions like this, and I’m on like agender and enby subreddits, but that’s about it.

What are things you love about being agender, or being part of the agender community?

I love just that i get to be myself. i don’t HAVE to have a gender.

What are things that most agender people can relate to?

I think just that excited feeling of “yaaay! no gender for me!”

How often do you meet other agender people?

mostly on reddit. i’ve never met an agender person irl

How do you recognise other agender people irl?

i’ve never met another agender person. but I say someone the other day who worked a store that kept giving me enby vibes. they kept looking at me, so i wonder if they were getting those same vibes from me.

How do you meet and connect with fellow agender people?

usual just on r/agender. and i’m not in one yet, but I’m looking for an agender discord server to join.

Do you think sexuality, romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

I think you’re just born with it. i’ve liked girls as long as i can remember, and i’ve never been that big into gender.

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

“oof” but sometimes “aw yay!” that’s the best way i can describe it.

How have you been subjected to queerphobia?

yes. my mom is enbyphobic and kind of biphobic, and a little transphobic :<

and people have called me a dyke and a faggot online and stuff

What would you like to say to queerphobic people?

fuck off. no one cares.

What would you like people to know about agender?

just that we exist would be nice for people to know.

How can people be better allies to agender people?

just use my pronouns and names would be all i would ask for.

What are your favorite agender quotes?

there’s agender quotes???

What are some of your favorite pieces of media with authentic representation everyone should watch?

THE OWL HOUSE! also Steven Universe, and Deadend Paranormal Park. none of them have agender characters in it that i know off but there’s lots of other lgbtq rep!

Who are your favorite agender celebrities or characters?

well i don’t know any celebrities who identify as agender specifically, but I really like Jonathan Van Ness who’s nonbinary. and in a webcomic called always human there’s a character called Cayli who identifies as agender.

What are your thoughts on queer-baiting?

I think it’s wrong to do in tv shows, but i think it’s wrong to accuse celebrities of queer-bating, because if they’re actually queer they either A. have to out themselves when they might not be ready to save their reputation or B.stop being themselves for the sake of not getting outed.

Give a message to the queer community

we belong. we’re not broken or messed up. we’re valid. be yourself no matter what cishet society, or even lgbtq society says.

Tell your story, opinions, experiences.

so I was born AFAB, but I grew up liking both “boy” and “girl” stuff. I mean that doesn’t make you agender just because you like both trains and barbies, but looking back I was always kinda in the middle about most of that stuff. (again that alone doesn’t make you agender) but when i was about 12 and my body started to define it’s self as more of one particular gender, and when that happened I wasn’t very happy.

I always figures i would be flat chested. and society at the time told me that being flat chested was a bad thing so I thought i was supposed to be upset. but when it turned out i wasn’t flat chested i was even more upset. so that’s when i started to realize something was up.

I would also play a lot of Roblox and it made me very uncomfortable when people found out i was a girl, and i didn’t know why.

I would often make my avatar look as androgynous as possible so no one would be able to tell what i was. and when people still figured it out i felt really insecure.

I already knew I was a lesbian since i was 10 or 11, and when i came out to my cousin, they came out to me as bi and genderqueer. that was kind of my introduction into more genders then just boy and girl. i mean i knew other genders existed before that, but that was the first time it had been around me in person.

for a while I thought i was genderfluid, which I actual kind of am. but being just genderfluid didn’t really fit, so I just dropped it and was like “oh well I guess i’m just a weird girl.”

and that was fine until earlier this year when that feeling like something was missing came back. and I couldn’t understand what it was. I didn’t think i was nonbinary. or maybe i just didn’t want to be. I was kind of enbyphobic for a while. so to think that I was nonbinary or used they/them pronouns made me feel really bad about myself.

but then, I came across the term agender and after that I eventually was able to come to terms with the fact that I was agender and nonbinary. and recently i’ve realized that i might be agenderflux which is like both agender and genderfluid. i can’t be sure 100% yet.