What does being agender mean to you?

For me agender means I have no gender and hold myself to none of the expectations and standards set by any gender. I exist in a sort of void where none of that touches me.

What are your thoughts on the concept of gender?

I think it’s a real thing that most people have but like romantic attraction I wasn’t given any.

Have you ever doubted the existence of gender?

I’ve always been sure of it’s existence because of how hard people will fight to prove they are their gender.

Do you think society as a whole would function differently if no one was assigned a gender at birth?

I doubt there would be much change people will always fund arbitrary ways to judge others and put them down.

Do you feel agender? If so, what does that feel like?

I do feel agender. For me that feels like a sort of body dysphoria that I shouldn’t have anything that could identify me as male or female and I feel beyond the stereotypes set by gender giving me a sort of freedom to be who I am instead of what being male would have me be.

Is there a term you use to describe yourself?

Not really, I just go with agender or AAA if I want to include asexual and aromantic.

Do you consider yourself non-binary?

I would consider myself non-binary even if I feel like I just fell through a hole on the gender spectrum.

Do you consider yourself transgender?

I wouldn’t consider myself transgender because to me that implies I’m just shifting where I am on the binary.

Do you plan on transitioning in any way? Name change, pronouns, surgery etc…

Beyond going by going by they/them, making non-permanent changes to my body like growing out my hair, and getting some more androgynous or femine clothes I don’t plan on doing any sort of transition.

What are your preferred pronouns and how did you decide?

I ended up on they/them because that’s just what felt right, I’m not sure how to explain it but being called they clicked with me

How strict are you with making sure people use your preferred pronouns and how vital are they to easing dysphoria?

I don’t care, what people call me has no affect on the dysphoria, if someone insists on calling me by he/him for a while I may get a little annoyed but it never affects the dysphoria

How soon after meeting someone do you explain your agender identity and ask them to use non-gendered terms and your preferred pronouns?

I don’t tell anyone I don’t deem it vital to, so far that’s only been people to confide in if something goes wrong or if the dysphoria is hitting worse than normal.

What is your preferred honorific?

I prefer to let people come up with one, my favourite so far has been private (last name).

How would you describe your sexual orientation?

I would say I’m asexual or if who I’m talking to doesn’t know what that means I’d say I don’t have one

Did understanding your agender identity change your understanding of your sexuality?

No, finding agenderism came after asexuality despite feeling it the longest.

What is your gender expression?

I’m trying to get more androgynous though that’s difficult in my current situation.

Do you feel dysphoria? What is dysphoria like for you?

My dysphoria is sort of like a constant feeling of discomfort that my body isn’t mine, like if you were to wear somebody else’s underpants, and this feeling changes in intensity over the day but it never goes away.

How often do you have doubts about your gender identity?

I don’t doubt it, I’d spent my whole life knowing something was off but no name to put to it, I’ve been sure of this as long as I can remember this is just my way of keeping track of it.

How often do you feel a desire to present or identify as identities aside from agender, be it your AGAB (assigned gender at birth), the opposite one, or non-binary?

I don’t with my whole heart I want to separate from all gender as best I can.

What are your thoughts on gender nullification surgery?

I don’t think it’s my cup of tea but good on you if you need it to feel comfortable in your skin.

How did you first discover agender?

I’ve always had the concept in my mind from when I could first think about myself though I’d only found the word agender a few months ago while looking through the asexual community.

How did you come to realise that you were agender?

I realised I had no gender very early in life it’s always been a thing for me until I hit puberty and started feeling pressure to be more manly so I did what I could to live up to those expectations but that wasn’t me, a square peg and a round whole, I didn’t look into it much and just assumed everyone felt the same until I stumbled across the agender community when I was questioning my sexuality.

How did it change how you lived your life, if it did at all?

It allowed me to take pride in how I broke from male expectations instead of being ashamed by it.

How long have you identified as agender?

3 weeks though I’ve been agender my whole life and just needed the right words to match it.

Have societal pressures ever made you question/suppress your agender identity?

Everyday I hear someone say something about being a man and I just feel guilty like I’m a traitor for being that.

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of agender?

I think it’s difficult because the concept of gender is so well ingrained in kids, you are you’re gender assigned at birth if not you’re the only other option.

How did you start to come to terms with your agender identity?

It took a month of questioning and considering but it was mostly separating what was me and what were expectations placed on me.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your agender identity?

The moment I came to terms with my agenderism was when I was reading somebody else questioning on discord and that prompted me to give it the wikipedia article one more read through and it just clicked in my brain.

Has your understanding of agender shifted since you first learned about it?

Beyond a few individual experiences not really the communities I’ve found aren’t large like the asexual communities so I can’t really average out experiences and find what’s personal experience compared to universal experiences.

What are things about agender you wish people understood better?

I wish more people just knew the word, I don’t like the feeling that if I were to come out I’d have to explain what I was coming out as.

Have you come out as agender? If yes, how did you come out?

I came out by sending a text to my agender friend in the middle of the night after they’d fallen asleep giving a quick summary of what I’d been going through and a joke about being a AAA battery. I’ve come out to other people but that’s the only story I’m willing to tell here.

How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?

I only told people I knew would be supportive and would help me if I ever needed it, I don’t tell anyone I’m 100% sure wouldn’t hurt me for it.

How did people react to your coming out?

Everyone was supportive and treated it as normal with no questions though I doubt this is normal reaction as everyone I’ve come out to has either been agender or well entrenched in agender communities and knew what it was.

What’s something you wish you had known about agender before coming out ?

I wish I knew resources to explain it, even though I didn’t need one it was dumb going in without a contingency.

What’s the hardest part about coming out?

Just getting the strength to say it, I’ve found it’s easier if you don’t address anyone in particular and make a general statement, takes away the pressure of a one on one afterwards.

How has identifying as agender affected your relationships?

It’s made me much more confident in the people I’ve come out to but

for everyone I haven’t told I live constant fear of what their will be.

What is it like using public restrooms?

I go for gender neutral toilets when possible if that isn’t an option I use the men’s room and find a stall.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

I hope to one day adopt but I’m afraid that won’t be possible on my own.

If you were to have kids someday, what would you like them to refer you as?

I would like them to refer to me as their parent, perfectly gender-neutral and accurately describes my role in their life.

What are your thoughts on skoliosexuality (attraction to any gender or nongender that isn’t cisgender)?

I think if you’re skoliosexual good for you and best of luck spreading awareness I’ll be supporting from the sidelines.

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

I would consider myself part of the LGBTQIA2S+ community because the community is for anyone who doesn’t meet the gender, sexuality, and romantic attraction norms, I would consider having none of any of that breaking from the norms.

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

I identify as queer, I’m not sure why it just fits for me and being refered to as queer just makes me happy.

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?

I’m Christian and I don’t see the conflict people keep trying to point out, above all else the Bible is about loving everyone how can I believe in that and that everyone like me deserves hate.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your agender identity?

I don’t think my experiences shaped my identity in any way, I was born like this no matter what happens I’ll still be agender.

How do you feel about how agender is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

I think it gets the love it deserves from most who know about it, I haven’t really looked outside of the community for opinions of agenderism but most of what I’ve seen has been positive.

Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?

I’m yet to get discrimination due to how few people I’ve told.

What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?

What bothers me are exclusionists trying to gatekeep the community from agender asexual or aromantic folk.

Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?

I’m yet to go to a pride parade though I plan on going to one in June.

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

I think it’s nessecary, we need more people talking about LGBTQIA2S+ experiences in the main stream, we can’t change much if no one knows what the change is for.

What are your thoughts about “ally” being added to the LGBTQIA+ acronym?

I think that’s stupid, an ally shouldn’t be celebrated they should be seen as the standard for showing basic human respect.

What are your thoughts on labels?

I think they’ve been helpful for understanding myself though if someone doesn’t want you that’s perfectly fine they’re by no means compulsory live your life however you please.

How has having the agender label benefited you?

It’s given me a sense of freedom from all of the weights placed on me by amab expectations.

How do you feel about representation of agender in media?

I think it’s sorely lacking and if there is ever an attempt they should include agender people in the process as to not repeat what House did for the asexual community.

What would you like to say to people who question agender as a gender identity?

I would say saying no is as much an answer to what your gender is as any other.

Do you think that some of the misconceptions come from the idea that gender and sex are the same thing?

I think that has a lot to do with it, I also think people just assume everyone has a gender and that leads to misconceptions too.

A kid asks if you are a boy or a girl, respond.

I’m neither.

How do you deal with people who are curious about your agender identity?

I haven’t had to deal with that yet but when I face this situation I would point them towards the wikipedia definition and a few online communities then I would leave them to research on their own.

What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being agender?

The most difficult part is the feeling of guilt when I’m called a son or a man.

What agender stereotypes do you not relate to?

I don’t know the community well enough to know the stereontypes.

What are misconceptions about being agender?

The main one I’ve come across is that it doesn’t exist, it’s just a phase, it’ll pass soon.

What are things to NOT say to an agender person?

Don’t call an agender person a man/woman, boy/girl or, a son/daughter, I’m not sure how others react to this but being placed in a group makes boy/girl fine like being refered to as one of the boys or one of the girls to describe a friend group.

What would you like to say to anyone who is agender or wondering if they are?

I would say you’re just as valid as any other gender identity, you’re amazing for finding this about yourself.

How involved would you say you are with the agender community?

I’m on the outskirts lurking without adding anything to the conversation.

What are things you love about being agender, or being part of the agender community?

I know I keep repeating it but the feeling of freedom from expectations and stereotypes.

How often do you meet other agender people?

I’ve only met one other and we became good friends befor I knew either of us were agender.

How do you recognise other agender people irl?

I don’t.

How do you meet and connect with fellow agender people?

Just by chance there isn’t a big enough community that I can find anyone organizing events or meet-ups.

Do you think sexuality, romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

I think you’re just born with it and need to play the hand you’re dealt.

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

It’s pretty good, there’s still some bigotry but much less than most places.

How have you been subjected to queerphobia?

Yes.

What would you like to say to queerphobic people?

I understand you don’t understand us but you don’t need to hate us because of it, try learning more about us before you make your judgement.

What would you like people to know about agender?

It’s perfectly normal, just because I don’t have any gender that doesn’t make me an alien or some sort of obtuse concept I’m still human.

How can people be better allies to agender people?

Get the word out if you can with no risk to yourself and don’t hate people for something beyond their control.

What are your thoughts on queer-baiting?

I think don’t use us as a marketing tool, either properly explore our experiences or treat as any other person, we aren’t your marketing tool we’re people just like everyone else.

Give a message to the queer community

You’re all amazing and I love you all! If I could I’d hug every single one of you!

Tell your story, opinions, experiences.

I’ve known something’s been different about me my whole life, agender let me put a name to it.