What does being a lesbian mean to you?

i love being a lesbian. it’s like home to me. i would define it as women and sapphic nonbinary people interested only in women and sapphic nonbinary people.

What are your thoughts on lesbians being described as non-men attracted to non-men?

i get the attempt, but i don’t like it. a “non-man” isn’t a thing. no one calls themselves non-man – i certainly don’t. i’m not a non-man; i’m a nonbinary person. it’s also silly to take “woman”/”women” out of the definition, since that’s still an important aspect of lesbianism.

it also includes more nonbinary people than who are actually included. i am genderless and a lesbian, but many other genderless people do not want to be included in lesbianism. that’s why in my definition i specify sapphic nonbinary people – making it an inclusive, opt-in definition instead of an overly inclusive, opt-out definition.

How do you feel about the word “dyke”?

I identify with the word. it’s still a slur though

Are you masculine or feminine presenting?

both.

How does your experience relate to your presentation (masculine or feminine)?

intrinsically tied together. i am pretty clockable as a lesbian.

Do you feel pressured to fit into a masculine or feminine role?

no

Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?

monoamorous and married.

Do you believe that everyone is a little bit gay?

no lmao there are definitely straight people. it would be silly as a lesbian to say that you cannot be exclusively interested in just one gender.

How did you first discover homosexuality , or the lesbian community?

it took me a long time to find community. i found community online.

i learned about gay people from homophobic statements made by those around me.

Have you ever experienced internalized homophobia?

yes. i was raised christian, so i thought i was a terrible, guilty person when i first started acknowledging my lesbianism.

How often do you doubt your sexuality?

never.

How did you realize your attraction to women and how did you feel about it?

well, i always found girls my age attractive, but i assumed everyone felt that way about girls up until middle school. i started realizing i was different from my peers in changing rooms when people talked about boys being perverts if they saw them changing, and i wondered if i was a pervert since i was attracted to girls but allowed in the changing room, unlike the boys. i felt like i was invading on them.

i felt horrible about it. i felt like a monster.

How long have you identified as a lesbian?

proudly for 5 years. it took me a while to accept myself and get over the guilt.

Has societal pressures ever made you question/suppress your sexuality?

yes. mostly suppress or deny, not so much as question.

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of homosexuality?

they cannot imagine people being different from themselves. and they are stuck in homophobic religious views.

How did you start to come to terms with your sexuality?

when i worked through religious guilt and finally accepted that loving a woman is a normal and good thing, actually.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your sexuality?

when i started dated the woman who is now my wife. before that, since i have homophobic parents, i just assumed it wouldn’t matter if i was a lesbian, because i would never find a woman to love me and would just end up in a marriage with a man anyway.

What are things about being a lesbian you wish people understood better?

lesbians are normal people. i wish straight men learned to respect us and our disinterest in them; i wish straight women learned to treat us well and not as predatory; and i wish people in the LGBT community stopped treating us like the evil letter in the acronym.

Have you come out as lesbian? If yes, how did you come out?

yes. i came out after i moved out.

How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?

everyone knows and should know. it’s just a part about me, and it’s pretty unavoidable when you’re married.

How did people react to your coming out?

my parents reacted badly. they “needed time to process.” my mother told me many nasty things, like that god made me gay as a punishment to her or that my wife was manipulating me and i wasn’t actually a lesbian. but the rest of my family, siblings included, have been very supportive.

What’s something you wish you had known before coming out?

i wish i came out sooner. even if my mom’s a shithead, i think my dad deserved to know.

How did your style change over the course of coming out?

my style has stayed the same. short hair, i’ve never really shaved, femme clothes with all the patterns.

What’s the hardest part about coming out?

dealing with homophobia.

What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?

i’m married! but it can be dreadful if you’re closeted.

Do lesbian relationships move faster?

ours moved pretty fast. we got married a couple of months into it, which isn’t for everyone. it’s a lot of work, but if you have good communication and you talk about goals and ideals before marriage, there’s not any harm to it. we are coming up on our 3 year anniversary soon.

About how fast would you move in with your lover?

according to my history, about 2 months lol.

Have you ever fallen in love with a straight woman?

in school, i had crushes, but not love.

How are to you, lesbian relationships are different to straight relationships?

there are no men lmao. there’s not necessarily an innate power imbalance based on gender, or possible stereotypical gender roles to be expected to perform.

What are struggles or hurdles in a lesbian relationship that you think people in a hetero relationship are unlikely to experience?

it’s a lot easier for most hetero couples to have kids or talk about having kids. me and my wife can biologically have kids since she is a trans woman and i’m afab nonbinary, but i know a lot of other lesbians can’t conceive with each other.

What are your thoughts on abuse in lesbian relationships?

abuse is bad no matter who does it or in what type of relationship.

How do you protect yourself sexually, from STDs, etc.

married and STD free, so we don’t need to worry about those.

How do you feel about straight men/women in lesbian bars etc.?

there’s lesbian bars?? /s

but honestly, there would have to be actual lesbian bars near me for me to give an opinion.

Do you get along with gay men?

now that i think about it, i don’t hang out with any men at all. so i don’t know. they’re still men so they’re on thin ice regardless.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

we are trying to conceive currently.

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?

I don’t know. in my experience, they haven’t worked very well together.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your sexuality?

i don’t think anything shaped my sexuality, but homophobia shaped how i viewed myself and my sexuality growing up.

What effects does being a lesbian have on your life?

it influences who i marry, who i hang out with, how people treat me, and many, many, many things. everything really.

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

yes.

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

no. i am a lesbian, and i am nonbinary.

How do you feel about how lesbians are perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

people in our community can treat us very badly. we are treated innately as aphobic, biphobic, transphobic, and as man-hating, even when lesbians are no more xyz-phobic than any other group in the LGBT community. it might be because we are a minority of a minority, so many people don’t actually know any lesbians, and because we are a group associated with women, so we get treated badly and scapegoated due to misogyny.

Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?

yes.

What are your thoughts on labels in the lesbian community? (Stud, femme, stemme, e.t.c)

i think they’re fine. i am femme.

What are your thoughts on heteronormativity and internalized homophobia in the lesbian community?

what is heteronormative in the lesbian community? i see people say that about butch/femme dynamics, but it’s nonsense. two lesbians in a relationship cannot be heteronormative. one partner being feminine and the other being masculine is not heteronormative.

internalized lesbophobia is bad, and it can be really tough especially for young lesbians to get over it.

What are your thoughts about bisexual women?

i love bi women. we don’t hate each other as much as anyone says we do.

What are your thoughts on biphobia in the lesbian community?

bad, but most lesbians are not biphobic.

– were bisexuals asked about lesbophobia in the bisexual community, or is it just us getting asked…? 🙁

What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?

infighting, and people being a bit too logged-on sometimes.

Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?

no

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

yes, it’s good to celebrate ourselves after so much hardship.

What are your thoughts about “ally” being added to the LGBTQIA+ acronym?

doesn’t matter to me either way. it’s just an acronym.

What are your thoughts on labels?

fine. sometimes people get too overly-specific with them, which is fine for themselves but not for pushing onto others.

How has having the lesbian label benefited you?

yes! it has made me happy and given me community.

How do you feel about representation of lesbians in media?

there’s really not that many lesbians in media. many “lesbian movies” are more appropriately described as “sapphic movies,” and there’s definitely very few depictions of butch lesbians, trans lesbians, nonbinary lesbians, etc. in film.

What are your thoughts on fetishization of lesbians?

bad and disgusting. we are just people. we are not a fetish, and are definitely not for consumption by men.

How do you deal with people who are curious about your sexuality?

if they want to ask me stuff, that’s fine as long as the questions are respectful.

How do you deal with unfair/mean comments?

ignore them. confrontation very rarely is worth it.

What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being a lesbian?

processing through my religious guilt about being a lesbian and accepting that i do love women and that’s okay and good actually.

What stereotypes about lesbians do you not relate to?

8 hour long sex sessions

What stereotypes about lesbians do you relate to?

short hair that i cut myself, don’t shave, man-hating ( <- joke ), i have cats

What stereotypes about lesbians do you despise?

when people say lesbians are only lesbians because they can’t get a man. i promise you not everything is about men.

What are the most annoying things people have said to you regarding your sexuality?

that the only reason i don’t like men is because i’m too stubborn about it. being a lesbian is not a political thing. i am just a lesbian.

when men say i don’t look like a lesbian so i can’t be one. (i.e. you are attracted to me and in denial that i will never be into you by default.)

What are misconceptions about being a lesbian?

it’s not a choice. you cannot change us. we genuinely don’t like men, and that’s just how we are.

What are things to NOT say to a lesbian?

don’t ask me if i’ve ever been with a man, if something happened to me with a man that made me “swear off men.” just let me be.

What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?

don’t ask me intimate details about my sex life. don’t ask me if my parents accept me.

What would you like to say to anyone who is a lesbian or wondering if they are?

loving women is an amazing thing, and i hope you feel at home with who you are. ?

How involved would you say you are with the lesbian community?

desperately trying to be more involved. there’s so few lesbians out here.

What are things you love about being a lesbian, or part of the lesbian community?

i love being women-centered, women-focused. i love being around women. i love being a part of a loving, welcoming, and radiant community.

What are things that most lesbians can relate to?

having felt predatory by our peers when we were in school.

How often do you meet other lesbians?

very rarely!! ? i can mostly just find lesbians online.

Do you believe in gaydar? How is your gaydar?

a lot of people who say they have a gaydar have no idea when someone’s gay and just base things off of stereotypes or LGBT pins.

How do you recognise other lesbians irl?

when they hit on me lmao

How do you meet and connect with fellow lesbians?

online, discord, facebook, local IRL meetups, gay bars, book clubs.

Any sexual advice for baby gays?

communication is key. talk about your boundaries and wants beforehand, and don’t feel shy or weird about verbalizing what you want or asking your partner what they want in the heat of things. and don’t worry about it – you’ll figure it out.

Do you think sexuality, romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

mine were what i was born with. but i hear for others it’s different.

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

i’m not queer, but being a lesbian in my area is generally just fine. being nonbinary is more difficult.

How have you been subjected to homophobia?

from my parents, from my peers. i was ostracized and mistreated by the white girls in my class in high school when people found out i was a lesbian.

What aggravates you the most about people against gay marriage?

it’s just saddening. we deserve the same rights that straight couples have.

How can people be better allies to lesbians?

listen to us. talk with us. get to know us. defend us.

What are your favorite lesbian quotes?

when talking about intersectionality, there is a quote by i believe audre lorde where she says something akin to “a black issue is a lesbian issue because many black people are lesbians. a lesbian issue is a black issue because many lesbians are black.”

we are stronger when we stand together as a whole. ?

What was the first lesbian-themed movie you ever watched and how did it impact you?

carol, but i don’t think either character was a lesbian. it didn’t really change me in any way.

What are your thoughts on queer-baiting?

it seems like a fandom thing. i don’t have any opinion.