What does being agender mean to you?

It means that I no longer have to say I identify as a gender when I have never viewed myself that way, either biologically or socially. And it means I am not crazy for wanting the surgeries and mental health help to get me to a happier place of being within society and within my own mindset that has been messed up by society.

What are your thoughts on the concept of gender?

For biological purposes and knowing if you can have a kid with someone else or not if you are interested in that sort of thing, it works but I am sure science will come up with a way around that in the future. And if identity wise it brings you joy to identify as having a gender, it works, you do you. The rules and restrictions that the chromosomes you are born with that are automatically placed on you by society suck though if they aren’t you. The way people laugh at you for not having a gender is awful, especially in the medical field. The government deciding things for you base on your assigned gender at birth also sucks.

Have you ever doubted the existence of gender?

Yes, that’s why I am agender.

Do you think society as a whole would function differently if no one was assigned a gender at birth?

I think, at least for people like me, it would function better. I don’t know about how it would affect people who identify as their assigned gender at birth because I am not one of them.

Do you feel agender? If so, what does that feel like?

Yes? It’s hard to describe as it feels like I am missing something that most people have, but in missing that I am more myself so I gain something in knowing who I am. It is hard to explain, but empowering to know within myself and that I am not alone.

Do you consider yourself non-binary?

I don’t fall into one of the binary genders, so yes. I am aromantic and asexual, so I kind of view it like that and the LGBTQIA+ community. By having no orientation, I have a non-straight orientation and therefore am part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I have no gender and so I am not one of the binary genders so I fall under the non-binary umbrella. But whatever works for other people works for them.

Do you consider yourself transgender?

Yes, but this is a seperate label. I consider myself transgender because I want to go through gender affirming surgeries. So not as many agender people are transgender as are non-binary from what I know.

Do you plan on transitioning in any way? Name change, pronouns, surgery etc…

As mentioned, yes to surgeries. I have already changed my pronouns from she/her to per/Pers. And my name is thankfully one that can be shortened to a non-gender specific name that I like, so I do not feel the need to change it. And I like the sound of the longer one for formal purposes.

What are your preferred pronouns and how did you decide?

Per/Pers. I decided when I realised I was agender, I didn’t want she/her, but knew I also didn’t want they/them. For me personally, I used they/them for gender fluid characters in my story writing, so it felt a more gender fluid set of pronouns rather than the gender neutral that I wanted. It took time and research and thinking and reflecting, but eventually I decided on per/Pers as they felt like short versions of person. And that’s who I am. I person. Not a male person, not a female person, not a gender fluid person, just a person person.

How strict are you with making sure people use your preferred pronouns and how vital are they to easing dysphoria?

I am now more comfortable with the use of they/them for myself, but do prefer per/Pers, however also comfortable with my nickname (shortened first name) in place of pronouns. Just as long as she/her isn’t being used as that creates massive dysphoria in me.

How soon after meeting someone do you explain your agender identity and ask them to use non-gendered terms and your preferred pronouns?

One of the first things I bring up as it is really important that for me, they do not use my incorrect pronouns as that makes me uncomfortable. However, for my work, where I am mic’ing up actresses, it can be helpful to slip into a more female (my assigned gender at birth) role as I have those same body parts as the actresses and am also in a vulnerable group based off of gender so can help make the actresses more comfortable. But that is the only circumstance with that exception.

What are your thoughts on dead naming?

If someone does not want to be called a particular name, do not call them that name. Even if they had it in the past. It can take getting used to, so do your best. But I know I can’t fully understand as I do not have a dead name.

How would you describe your sexual orientation?

Aromantic Asexual

Did understanding your agender identity change your understanding of your sexuality?

I knew I was aromantic and asexual before I knew I was agender, but knowing I was aromantic and asexual and doing research on them lead me to learn about agender and understand that I am agender.

Are you monogamous or non-monogamous?

Neither. I am aromantic asexual. Other people can have whatever partner/s they want. I don’t understand those feelings so I stay well clear in terms of opinion and those sorts of interactions.

What is your gender expression?

Gender neutral.

Do you feel dysphoria? What is dysphoria like for you?

Yes. It is a feeling that the reproductive organs are an alien growth on an otherwise gender neutral being. Doesn’t help one of those “alien growths” have health issues. It is also the feeling very unwell and uncomfortable when someone calls me Miss or she/her in a situation I am not comfortable with them doing it in. It is the feeling of being othered by governments who are used to operating with just the male and female parameters. It is the feeling of medical professionals not taking me seriously and not giving me the help I need, whether on gendered health issues or not, because I do not tick a nice male or female box. It is the feeling of my brain telling me that due to all this pressure, I should just give in and be my assigned gender at birth because it would be easier. But I can’t do that. Because it is not me and I can’t accept that. And so I need to go about my life with all these additional problems that a person who ticks a male or female box doesn’t have to face. Add onto that aromantic and asexual and when medical professionals ask if I am in a relationship and if I have had sex and I say no never and never will and they laugh at me and don’t believe me because who wouldn’t want to have sex and be in a relationship like that is the one and only possible goal in life? It’s hard. No wonder why so many of us have mental health issues. Society is basically forcing us to have those issues and not be able to get them solved because “they aren’t real mental health issues”.

How often do you have doubts about your gender identity?

Not often, I am like 99.99% sure I will always identify as agender, but I understand how it is easy to doubt that for other agender people in our gendered society.

How often do you feel a desire to present or identify as identities aside from agender, be it your AGAB (assigned gender at birth), the opposite one, or non-binary?

I always want to present as gender neutral, wearing clothes that do not denote my gender one way or the other.

What are your thoughts on gender nullification surgery?

Love it. Want it. People will be more able to accept me as not having a gender then.

How did you first discover agender?

As I said, after figuring out I was aromantic and asexual, I did more research on the LGBTQIA+ community and found out about agender being a thing.

How did you come to realise that you were agender?

Through that research, realising that is how I felt about my gender and my place in society.

How did it change how you lived your life, if it did at all?

Now I am fighting to seek help for myself. However, due to the medical profession being so discriminatory to people like myself, I have only just made progress in finding mental health help after 3 years, many GPs and many repeat appointments. Still working on the surgeries and finding someone willing to do them though. Should be easier though now that I have a mental health professional on my side.

How long have you identified as agender?

4 years.

Have societal pressures ever made you question/suppress your agender identity?

Not really? I wasn’t ever super feminine or participated in feminine activities though. But I don’t know. Being all agender, aromantic, asexual and neurodiverse, I never knew how to be normal in any way. But I still feel those pressures in the form of dysphoria though.

Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of agender?

Just like with aromantic and asexual, where I can’t grasp the concept of having those emotions, if you have them, it’d be hard to remove your experiences from your emotions. Similar to agender. If you feel like you are a gender, it is hard to grasp the concept of someone else not connecting to those feelings.

How did you start to come to terms with your agender identity?

I found a term for another facet of myself I had found hard to describe before and went with it and so far it has worked and been accurate for the last 4 years, so easily compared to some I would say.

What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your agender identity?

I don’t remember a specific emotion. Just seeing the term agender, looking into it more and being like “that’s that part of me!”

Has your understanding of agender shifted since you first learned about it?

The ways that people come to figure it out about themselves is so varied and interesting. And how it is a lot more of a struggle in life if you are agender as society is so gendered so there are so many factors working against agender people to make life harder. It is a shame. Wish society could accept us and help us how we need them to.

Are you a person of colour (POC)? If yes, how do you think it affects your experience?

I am not a person of colour, so I cannot in good conscience comment on POC agender people’s experiences.

What are things about agender you wish people understood better?

We just want to live out lives how you want to. Getting the help we need the first time we ask. Being able to take sick days without the GP making it about our lack of gender. I have gone to work sick and spreading an illness before because I knew the GP would make it about me being agender and then refuse to give me a medical certificate even though my sickness had nothing to do with me being agender. Do I want to spread the sickness? No. Do I feel like I have no choice but to spread the sickness? Yes. Would it be better for more people if I did not spread the sickness? Yes. Agender people have to deal with this all the time. Can I use Mx as my title instead of Miss please as Miss in front of my name makes me feel unwell and sick? No, cause you need to call the government during work hours which you can’t get off. Can I get surgery for my nose? Yes. What about gender affirmation which would help me a lot more? No. Just all these things as well as little things like girls/boys toy sections, mens/women’s clothing sections and the like. Society is too gendered and makes us feel so out of place. Please change to more gender neutral terms for basically everything. Thank you.

Have you come out as agender? If yes, how did you come out?

I have. With my family and friends, I said I was agender. They asked what it meant. I told them. They said, cool, that makes sense. What pronouns do you want to be called and do you want us to use this more gender neutral version of your name instead of this feminine version. They were all very accepting and understanding, no interrogations or arguing with my feelings.

How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?

Everyone. Gender neutral please. Okay, sure. Thank you.

How did people react to your coming out?

Very low key, which was nice, while also being respectful. Consisting of 5-10 minute initial conversations on the topic and the question every now and then to make sure I am comfortable in certain situations.

What’s something you wish you had known about agender before coming out ?

How the medical professionals and government would be unaccommodating about it how they would make my life harder in so many ways.

What’s the hardest part about coming out?

Not really anything. I tell a few people in authority positions about it when I start a new project, and they make sure people respect me and use the right terminology around me. Super easy.

What is dating and finding a romantic partner like?

I don’t know. I am a romance repulsed aromantic, so I don’t want that relationship anyway.

What is it like filling legal forms about gender?

Very challenging. I’d prefer to have to roll around in cow manure for a full day than fill out one legal or medical form about my gender. It is just that uncomfortable and the options are just that inaccurate when it comes to my identity.

What is it like using public restrooms?

I use female toilets (my assigned gender at birth) if gender neutral or disabled toilets aren’t available, but it feels weird going into female toilets cause I am not female. It also feels weird going into disabled toilets when I am not disabled, but slightly less weird than going into female toilets. I choose female toilets in that circumstance to make other people around me feel more comfortable.

Does sexism affect your life in any way?

Depends. I am in a male dominated field, but they want more female/gender diverse people due to being low on them, so for work, it can help me land a job actually. But they just need more people anyway, so that also helps. Medically, it does affect it negatively as even for unrelated issues, I cannot get the medical care I need a lot of the time, whether that is mental health care help, medical certificates, prescription medicines, etc.

What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?

I do not plan to ever have kids. That is my worst nightmare. I am not a kid person and the amount of time that they use up could be better spent on a dog, who I actually enjoy having.

What are your thoughts on skoliosexuality (attraction to any gender or nongender that isn’t cisgender)?

Cool. You do you, just don’t do me.

Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

Yes.

Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?

Yes.

Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?

Yes, but not highly religious. They have conflicted as the religious community I was a part of kept pressuring me to want to have kids, want to be in a relationship, identify as my gender assigned at birth, didn’t call me by my gender neutral name, refused to use my updated pronouns, but pressured me to stay as I had a skillset in the volunteer community that not many had. I broke and said bye. They tried to pressure me back, but I couldn’t go back to that place. I used to be highly religious, but I guess I am now more agnostic and believe that a little bit of every religion could be true in a way that our brains cannot ascertain, understand or comprehend. As such, I can’t know how my queerness works with that. I still pray to God, but more as a mental exercise to help my mental health and let me let go of my worries, not because I actually believe anyone higher up is listening. I read the Bible, but more as a reflection on my history and what I used to believe, not as a way I currently live my life. My faith has been broken due to the experience of the hypocrisy of love everyone without judgement except if they are queer and I don’t think that I can be fixed. I want to be able to love everyone without judgement, no exceptions, and I can not believe that a benevolent God would allow a community like the one I was in to flourish while using His name and stating they are following His word. I don’t know. That is my faith and queerness.

How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your agender identity?

My parents allowed my sister and I to play with whatever toys we wanted and wear whatever we wanted before we started school. They mentioned nothing about gender roles and said we can be whatever we want to be, no ifs or buts about it. As such, I didn’t grow up wearing or playing with feminine toys when I was young. I just played with blocks, magnifying glasses, jugs, train sets, etc when I was figuring out the world around me and wasn’t being told not to play with those things, instead being encouraged to as my parents wanted to nurture my curiosity. School was a shock to me when I started and the girls were playing with one set of objects, nice and neatly on the table, and the boys were playing with another set, all messy and just running around the place. I gravitated more to what the boys were doing, but not quite feeling comfortable unless we were playing with Pokemon cards or something less physically active like that. But since I started school until I figured out I was agender, I felt boxed in with the boys cause I could tolerate doing what they were doing, I couldn’t tolerate doing what the girls were doing. Figuring out I was agender broke that box and I have felt more free to do whatever I have wanted because I wanted and no other reason since then.

How do you feel about how agender is perceived in the LGBTQIA+ community?

I haven’t had the opportunity to interact much with the LGBTQIA+ community, so I don’t really have any thoughts.

Are you happy with the current agender flag? If not, what would you suggest for a redesign, if you have any ideas?

I like it. Very calm, but if you know what to look for, you will recognise it.

Do you agree that pride month is necessary?

Certainly helpful for visibility of people often discriminated against. Necessary, maybe not. But does speed up the process of reducing discrimination against us.

What are your thoughts about “ally” being added to the LGBTQIA+ acronym?

No. It is like saying someone who is not a Person of Colour (me) should be added to that community. I haven’t had the same struggles as POC people, so I shouldn’t identify as being part of their community, though I strongly support their cause. Allies do not face the discrimination that LGBTQIA+ people face. They should not identify as being a part of that community and as having experienced the same struggles as people in the LGBTQIA+ community has. The A is for Agender, Aromantic and Asexual, NOT ALLY.

What are your thoughts on labels?

For me, it is helpful as I know they are a part of me and how to find other people who have had similar struggles to me, but they are not all of who I am. I am so much more than just my labels. I think if you make them the basis of who you are, instead of a helpful tool to understand parts of yourself and find other people who can relate to some of the struggles and feelings you have, that is not healthy. But just as a helpful tool and part of you, they are good and healthy.

How has having the agender label benefited you?

Allowing me to accept and understand some of the emotions I have experienced throughout my life and quickly explaining part of who I am in one word if I just want to do it quickly.

How do you feel about representation of agender in media?

Could use a lot more positive, well written, well thought out representation. However, especially with well written and well thought out, if you are not going to put that effort in, I don’t want that token representation.

What would you like to say to people who question agender as a gender identity?

Psychopaths exist. They are people that don’t experience emotion. If you say that people who don’t experience emotion can exist but people who don’t experience gender can’t exist, kindly re-evaluate your flawed thinking.

Do you think that some of the misconceptions come from the idea that gender and sex are the same thing?

Yes.

A kid asks if you are a boy or a girl, respond.

I am neither.

How do you deal with people who are curious about your agender identity?

If they are curious from a good place, I answer their questions as it can’t hurt to educate people on a topic they want to know more about from a good place. If it is an interrogation however, I refuse to answer as I will get no where productive with that person, they have already made up their mind and are looking to be validated and proven right and will get angry with me if I do not fulfil their requirements and do not have the mind to be educated on such issues and it will just result in me getting angry and I don’t like getting angry. So I kindly pardon myself and if they do not let me kindly pardon myself, I forcefully leave and do not let them stop me leaving.

How do you deal with unfair/mean comments?

Luckily haven’t experienced much of them, but I know if I get angry, they will just use that to prove their point. So I would do my best to ignore their comments and leave the situation.

What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being agender?

It is not one moment, but the constant question and non-acceptance by the government and medical professionals.

What agender stereotypes do you not relate to?

I don’t believe in stereotypes, so I do not put much thought into this.

What are the most annoying things people have said to you about being agender?

“But you’re a woman!” “You will get married to a man?” “But you want kids, don’t you? You are a woman after all?” “You will go out with a man, won’t you?” “Okay, but really, you are a female. Don’t kid yourself.” “I get you want to be queer, but to give you the mental health help you need, I need you to identify as a woman.” “Good joke, but you are a woman and will marry a man and have sex and have a kid.” Think I have given enough examples of annoying things, mostly said by either religious communities or medical professionals or both.

What are things to NOT say to an agender person?

That they are their assigned gender at birth. Like, I get genetically I do have two X chromosomes, that does not make me a woman. It just means that I am predisposed to having medical conditions that people born with two X chromosomes are more likely to have, nothing more. It does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. Stop saying I am a woman and refusing to give me medical help because I am not saying that I am a woman. I will not say that I am a woman because I will not lie. So give me help. That is the only way this system changes. By the medical industry giving non-judgemental and non-discriminatory help.

What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?

“You are a woman though, right?”

What would you like to say to anyone who is agender or wondering if they are?

Do research. Take time to think and reflect. And know that if you think it is right, it is right. Don’t be afraid of it always being right into the future. If it is right now, you can use it now and you can always change how you identify. No one knows what will happen in the future, so no one knows how you will identify in the future. Just focus on the now and what makes you feel more content about how you see yourself. Unfortunately society doesn’t let it be this way, but it should be about you and what helps you, it shouldn’t be about anyone else. You will find people who love and support you for who you are. Just focus on being your awesome self. Easier said than done, but if you do, over the course of time, it will get better.

How involved would you say you are with the agender community?

Not very involved.

Do you think sexuality, romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?

Both. There are definitely things that can be influenced by your upbringing about it. But if you can’t relate to something or have feelings for certain people or even just have those feelings, upbringing can’t change the base at which your understanding and way of relating to the world starts from

What’s it like being queer in your country/society?

Not great in terms of medical care. You are laughed at, mocked and not given the care you need from them that they so freely give to everyone else. Societally, it is a lot more accepting, non-judgemental and free, as long as you keep from interacting with the highly religious yet judgemental minority population.

How have you been subjected to queerphobia?

Yes.

What would you like to say to queerphobic people?

Would you say those sort of things to a straight person? Eg. If you asked a straight woman “but you will marry a woman, right?” would that seem weird? I think it would. So why are you saying those things to us? I think you should reflect on yourself and how comfortable you feel in a society that is getting better for more people and ask yourself why you don’t want more people to feel more comfortable, cause I do not understand that logic. A better society is better for all, what’s so hard to understand about that?

What would you like people to know about agender?

We are like everyone else in almost every single way. We laugh, we cry, we grieve, we celebrate. It shouldn’t be that big of deal, but apparently according to the medical industry and government, it is a much bigger deal than it should be.

How can people be better allies to agender people?

Don’t vote for people that will take away our rights. Support us when we are finding the government and medical industry hard to deal with. Respect our names and our pronouns. And above all else, treat us as you would treat anyone else.

What are your thoughts on queer-baiting?

Don’t do it but also don’t force people to come out when there is reasonable doubt as to whether or not they could be queer-baiting.