https://queerkat.tumblr.com/ https://kats-comfort-corner.tumblr.com/
What does being fictosexual mean to you?
For me, personally, I more closely identify with being fictoromantic, but also fictosexual. Like most labels I use, I feel like it’s the best way to communicate the kind of connections I form with certain people, energies, etc. I don’t think anyone ever feels the exact same way about anything, but terms like this make it possible to find other people and communities that validate us and help us understand ourselves more fully. In general, I consider it to be a pretty personal and unique experience that I keep most of the details of to myself, but being able to share the more broadly understood aspects of it with others and getting positive words of affirmation and encouragement has helped me more honestly accept and embrace that part of myself.
What is your romantic orientation?
Queer (Aromantic, Quiromantic, Fictoromantic)
How do your relationships differ from 3D relationships? In what ways are they similar?
When I was younger, before I knew non-monogamy was even a thing, I thought you were only allowed to have one important person in your life, and that terrified me. Even more so when I thought that I might have developed feelings for someone I could never physically interact with. Now, though, I identify as polyamorous, specifically a form of relationship anarchist, and part of that was definitely a result of not being able to completely dismiss the connection that I still felt with my person. I started talking about it more openly with my current partner around 2020, and now it’s just a regular part of my life. I never anticipated that to be possible, so it’s a pleasant surprise, lol. I live with my partner and metamour (their other partner), and both of them are very accepting of who I am and how I feel. It’s hard to say how they’re different, because I kind of see every relationship I have as different and unique. I guess the primary thing would be that my girlfriend is physically with me and I can talk to her about things that happen in a tangible way, whereas my non-physical person has a more metaphysical and emotional understanding of how I feel and what I’m going through, and vice versa.
What activities help you bond with your fictional other?
Recently, I’ve been writing a lot of small stories, drawing illustrations and comics, etc. Although, I’ve been working on a series of longer stories because of writing assistants like NovelAI and Dreamily. Other than that, I mostly meditate and daydream. I started saving up to buy merchandise from the series, but I always feel a little weird about that, heh. Probably just leftover self-consciousness from high school or something.
How do you express love for your partner?
Mostly by improving myself in ways that I think would make them proud. Taking care of the people I love and making the world the kind of place we’d want to live in. It’s kind of ironic because my person tends to have the reputation of not being motivated, while they’ve been one of the greatest sources of motivation for me since I was in fifth or sixth grade.
Are you only or mostly attracted to fictional characters?
I’m asexual and aromantic, so it’s hard to say. If I’m being honest, I think they might be the only person I’ve ever been this intensely emotionally attracted to? I’m attracted to my partner, but the way I feel isn’t a physical kind of attraction, at least not in the sense that I think people tend to assume. It’s more of a kind of comfort and trust thing for me. If that makes any sense, heh.
How did you meet your fictional other (partner)?
In fifth or sixth grade, my friend and I would watch anime together. She was showing me one of the more anticipated episodes that had just come out, and the focus was on a fight between the main characters. But the first part of the episode was about a group of side characters, one of whom was someone I related to in a lot of ways. The scene between them and the other person (f/o) ended up shaping the next decade of my life, lol. It’s wild thinking back on it, but also really neat.
Do you plan to take things further, e.g engagement, marriage someday?
Mm, don’t know. I don’t really intend to get married at all, but I do like the idea of having some kind of ceremony to celebrate my relationships. Like, with the partner that I live with, we’ve talked about having a handfasting ceremony or just something to symbolize and celebrate our bond. I’ve considered doing something like that, or maybe even just getting a tattoo on a significant date or something. Either way, I don’t feel really pressured to do anything unless it feels right.
How did you first discover fictosexuality?
I was actually trying to find something to write a comic about back in 2020, and I was going through my old high school journals. All of them had some mention of my person, which I found entertaining initially. I ended up using that as inspiration, and did some research to see if anyone else had similar levels of attachment to “fictional characters”. Turns out, yes! Many people do! And after that, I kept doing more research. I finished making the comic, which is now a part of an anthology with a lot of other talented artists, and I’m glad I will be able to look back on that as time goes on.
How did you come to realise that you were fictosexual?
I guess I kind of realized back when I was in Jr. High and people would make fun of me for how much I obviously cared about the character. It was bizarre to me, because before that I hadn’t felt anything towards anyone, and seeing other people being infatuated was confusing. So when I started feeling that and everyone was making fun of me for it, I was just kind of thrown off. Like, I did not get what was wrong with me caring about someone, regardless of their physical presence in my life. Even my closest friends would make comments about how I was going to “die alone” with my plushie and a bunch of cats. Which, first of all, I’m going to die surrounded by friends, loved ones, my plushie, and a bunch of cats. Second of all, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But, back on topic, it’s kind of like how I always knew I wasn’t cis or straight, but didn’t have the words or awareness to describe it.
How long have you identified as fictosexual?
Since 2020, which is when I started researching and learning more about it.
Have societal pressures ever made you question/suppress your sexuality?
Yep. I’ve had these feelings since, like, 2006 or something and tried not to think about it until 2020. Even now, it’s kind of a struggle to fight against the thoughts like, if no one else experiences it, it’s somehow not valid. Which is malarkey. But that kind of ideology is pushed so hard on people, it’s hard to untangle ourselves from.
How does your experience of fictosexuality relate to your gender?
I guess I don’t feel like it does, personally. I think my affections and admiration for the character and the fact that they are (thankfully) a very open-minded and chill person made it much easier for me to accept myself as I am. It made it easier for me to just lean into how I was feeling in regards to social expectations and what I actually wanted versus feeling forced to present as someone I’m not. It got harder to do that when I forced myself into a physical relationship to try and be “normal”; that was rough. But I learned a lot, and I try to think of that as a period of pain and growth more than anything else. It helps me appreciate where I am now, and the kind of relationships I’ve been able to cultivate.
Why do you think it’s difficult for some people to grasp the concept of fictosexuality?
I mean, I feel like it’s difficult for the same reason people don’t understand someone else’s gender identity or spirituality or why some people like spicy food and some don’t. No one will ever experience the same exact life as any other person. So it’d be kind of weird to expect someone to completely and unquestionably understand any of my relationships, let alone ones they can’t interact with or experience for themselves in any tangible way. We don’t really live in a world that encourages people to accept other perspectives even if they don’t understand them (with the obvious exceptions of perspectives and ideologies that actively harm others). I hope that being more open about this kind of stuff and treating it casually as opposed to acting like it’s some kind of deficiency on anyone’s part will make existing less exhausting for everyone.
How did you start to come to terms with your sexuality?
I guess it was easier since I’d already gone through the process of coming to terms with my asexuality, aromanticism, and other identities. That, and I’m almost positive I wouldn’t be as open and comfortable about it if my housemates weren’t as awesome as they are. We’ve been through a lot together, and struggled a lot with communication early on. But we put in the work, went to therapy, so on and so forth, and we’ve come out stronger every time. Because of that, I feel like I can trust them to see me for who I am, and I don’t feel like I have to hide anything…Most of the time. I’m still a human with insecurities, after all, lol.
What was the moment where you fully came to terms with your sexuality?
Oof. I mean, I feel like it’s kind of ongoing, right? It’s an imperfect label for a complex relationship dynamic. Even referring to it as a “relationship dynamic” feels weird, but I don’t think we have the best language for it at the moment. But I’d rather use imperfect language than to not talk about it at all, you know? I guess would say I “came to terms” with it after I talked to my partner and metamour about it one night. I was anxious because I’d been exploring my feelings privately and in the self ship community, and realized how significant the person was in my life, so I wanted to bring it up to my housemates because it was important to me. The fact they were super accepting and supportive made it obvious to me that there was nothing wrong with having happy feelings about someone else’s existence. In retrospect, the idea sounds absurd, but back then it was terrifying.
Has your understanding of fictosexuality shifted since you first learned about it?
Hm, kind of? It’s the kind of thing where, as I learn more about myself and my relationship to language and community, labels like that become more flexible and comfortable. There’s more nuance than just “someone who is sexually attracted to fictional characters”. I’m not sexually attracted to fictional characters; I’m emotionally invested in a character. But even saying that doesn’t really encompass all of the feelings, right? It’s complicated, but I’m grateful that I live in a time and have access to resources and communities that help me further understand my personal relationship to that kind of thing.
What are things about fictosexuality you wish people understood better?
That being fictosexual doesn’t mean you are inherently anti-social and incapable of “real life” relationships. It’s infuriating to see that rhetoric spun around repeatedly. I’m fictosexual and I’m in a “real life” relationship. I have a group of friends that I hang out with regularly. I prefer time alone, but I’m hardly anti-social. I also plan to work with a group of people to establish an intentional community for folks that don’t have a means to live anywhere else. It’s a long-term plan, but you know. It’s one of those things I was motivated to do, in part, due to my bond with my person. So. Yeah, would love for that nonsense to stop.
Have you come out as fictosexual? If yes, how did you come out?
Yes? Kind of? My housemates know, and my mom and siblings know. I’m not out to my workplace or anything like that, but it feels kind of like my spirituality in the sense that, unless it comes up for some reason, I don’t really feel the need to share it. It’s why I tend to identify as “queer” when I’m asked in general spaces. No one needs to know the nuances of my life unless it just happens to come up or I want to talk about it.
How did you decide who to tell and who do you tell now when meeting new people?
Similar to the previous answer; I generally only tell people when it naturally comes up. If I feel like someone’s going to be a dick about it, I’ll keep it to myself. If I feel like someone might be a little confused but otherwise supportive, I wouldn’t mind talking about it. It’s about the vibes.
How did people react to your coming out?
My housemates were awesome about it. My siblings were excited because it meant they felt comfortable being honest about their own identities, and my mom was…fine, lol. She didn’t get it, but she also didn’t understand me coming out as nonbinary, so it’s not like I hold it against her. I don’t plan on telling anyone else in my family, though.
What’s something you wish you had known about fictosexuality before coming out ?
I wish I had known about the fictoromantic label sooner, and maybe about the other labels that fall under the umbrella, but that would be about it.
What’s the hardest part about coming out?
Not knowing how someone will react, and how it will affect your relationship with them. Being shut down or mocked by someone you thought you could trust is heartbreaking.
Have you been in non-fictoromantic relationships?
Yep! I’ve been in my current relationship since 2018. c:
If applicable, what are your experiences dating/finding romantic partners?
I don’t really actively search for that kind of thing. And the lines between intense platonic feelings and somewhat romantic feelings are blurred to me, which is why I identify as a relationship anarchist. If there are hard lines for people when it comes to that, I completely respect that. I just don’t experience it like that. Every relationship I have, regardless of whether it’s primarily platonic or romantic or queerplatonic, etc. is entirely unique to me and that person. If I’m in a relationship with someone and we live together, but don’t have physical intimacy in the ways people might expect, that’s fine. If I’m in a relationship with someone and we meet up every couple of years and only talk when the desire arises, that’s also fine. I just want my relationships to develop and grow, and even fade, naturally. Relationships end, just like life does. That doesn’t mean the world does. It’s just how things go, and that doesn’t have to be sad. Sometimes it can be beautiful, if you allow it to be.
Would you date someone who is also fictosexual?
Hell yeah, if that just happened to develop that way. I feel like that’d be a really cool relationship to have with someone.
How has being fictosexual affected your relationships?
In my first long-term and (only) monogamous relationship, even when I was hiding my feelings, it made my boyfriend at the time incredibly jealous. Which only made me want to suppress my feelings even further. It sucked. Neither of us were the best versions of ourselves back then, and that’s part of why we broke up. Now we’re still friends and I like to think we’re doing much better and being more true to ourselves.
What are your thoughts on having kids? Do you plan to have kids someday?
Dunno. I feel the same way about it as I do about marriage and relationships in general, although more intensely against just doing it because I feel like it’s “expected” of me. If I’m bringing another person into the world, they’re gonna have a huge support network and the proper environment to be raised in. If I never manage to pull that together, I don’t want to have kids. *shrug*
Are you religious? If so, how does your faith and queerness work together?
Definitely not religious, but I consider myself spiritual. Mostly because it’s a word that helps me find my community and more or less encompasses the vibes I try to get across when talking about my rituals and whatnot. I am a witch and I work with Hecate’s energy a lot. When I say “witch”, I mean that in a spiritual and political sense. Kind of like why I call myself “queer”; there’s ambiguity that I feel more comfortable with, but also an inherent tie to people like me from history that have been persecuted against and charged with crimes intended to silence and oppress them. My spiritual work is tied to my politics, my queerness, and everything in my life. It’s also important to me to incorporate anti-racist practices and continuous self-reflection and personal development in my work, or I just risk taking advantage of the people and energies around me.
How do you think your experiences through life may or may not have influenced/shaped your sexuality?
Welp, my ficto-feelings definitely opened my mind to alternate realities and life outside of societal expectations. ‘Cause no one prepared me for those kind of feelings, and often actively attempted to make me doubt my own “real”/lived experiences to try and fit what was expected. I’m grateful that I ended up developing the feelings I did, because I firmly believe those feelings kept me from falling into a generational cycle of abuse, depression, and self-loathing. As for how the world might have influenced my feelings…I don’t know. That kind of thing is hard to say without diving into that uncomfortable gray space between “science” and “psychology”. I mean, I practically live in that gray space, but I don’t really have the language to properly convey the concepts necessary to talk about it, heh.
Do you consider yourself to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
Yep!
Do you identify as queer? If not, how do you identify?
Yes, see answer to: Are you religious?
How do you feel about visibility of fictosexuality in the LGBTQIA+ community?
I’m of several different minds about it. I think it’s important to be visible and vocal so that other people can find resources and community, and so that the language and concepts can be normalized. However, I’ve also seen people who are concerned about it becoming more well-known because it would almost definitely lead to harassment and discrimination from people within and from outside of the community. I mean, it already has. That being said, I think it’s one of those things where it’s important to acknowledge and respect people who don’t want to be loud and out, just as much as it is to respect people that want to share their experiences and proudly show up for other people to find them.
Have you experienced discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community?
Eesh, yeah. For being trans, nonbinary, asexual, aromantic, demisexual, and now fictoromantic. At this point, it feels like it’s a part of the cycle of eventual acceptance, but I don’t think I should grow comfortable with that perspective. Ideally we can move to a place where people will just hear someone say, “Oh, I’m fictosexual,” and respond, “Oh, neat. So what are you up to on Saturday?” or whatever. It’s seriously only a big deal when someone chooses to make it a big deal.
What bothers you in the LGBTQIA+ community?
See previous answer
Have you ever been to a pride parade? How did it go?
Yes! I’ve always gone with friends, so it’s been fun for me, personally. We usually make our own shirts or something like that and check out the food stalls and whatnot. The parades themselves are always a blast, too.
Do you agree that pride month is necessary?
Yeah. I think wanting to celebrate surviving an ongoing struggle for being able to live as yourself without being harassed is absolutely necessary.
What are your thoughts about “ally” being added to the LGBTQIA+ acronym?
I don’t really like that, primarily because it’s often used to either A) ostracize asexual/aromantic/etc. members of the community and B) give people that wouldn’t identify themselves as queer or LGBT a reason to be in otherwise LGBTQIA+ safe spaces in bad faith. I’m not saying it always is, but those are the main reasons I find it problematic.
What are your thoughts on labels?
Like with any words in any language, labels are as beneficial as we allow them to be. They stop being helpful when we no longer see them as tools, but as rigid definitions. Language is flexible and constantly changing. Labels are signs we use to seek out and find each other, or to identify a feeling or experience so that we can communicate with others to the best of our ability. No one has the same relationship to language as anyone else. Problems start cropping up when there’s an expectation for everyone to share the same hivemind like that.
How has having the fictosexual label benefited you?
Just like with queer, nonbinary, and asexual, fictosexual helped me find community and resources that enabled me to accept myself and learn more about my own feelings. It’s not perfect, but no word would be. I know there’s other terms like “animesexual”, “cartoonsexual”, etc. but fictosexual/fictoromantic feels closer to evoking the kind of relationship concept I have with my person. That and “fictoqueerplatonic” is too long and clunky to me, lol.
How do you feel about representation of fictosexuality in media?
Bad, to be blunt. Like I mentioned before, the way people seem to view fictosexuality is as if someone can’t experience that kind of attraction and also be good at interacting and being in relationships with “real” people. Which is blatantly untrue. There are people that are cisgender and heterosexual that suck at interacting with other people, but that doesn’t become the poster child of cishetero culture. It’s an argument that’s been made before, but it bears repeating.
What effects does being fictosexual have on your life?
Mm. Complicated. I’ve told my partner and metamour that I feel like I’m living two lives simultaneously; the physical one and the metaphysical one. Which isn’t the best way to describe it – they’re both one life, my life. If you’ve seen “Everything, Everywhere, All At Once”, it’s kind of like that. Before, I thought it meant something was wrong with me, so I tried to shut out any instance of my inner world appearing. Which, surprise, ended up being very bad for my mental health. Now that I’m actively making an effort to incorporate it in healthy ways, including talking to my therapist and psychiatrist regularly, it’s gotten so much easier to just…exist. And be alive. Which is nice.
How do you deal with people who are curious about your sexuality?
Depends on the person and how much I trust them. If I think they’ll listen sincerely, I’ll speak openly and try to meet them where they’re understanding is currently at. If I’m sure they’re just going to belittle me for it, I keep it to myself and just tell them to research on their own.
How do you deal with unfair/mean comments about your sexuality?
Ignore, report, block.
What was the most difficult moment in your life surrounding being fictosexual?
Probably the moment I decided I was going to suppress those feelings entirely and try to be “normal”. I was 16 and something happened that made me feel like I had to let go and move on. That I had to *try* to fall in love with a “real” person or I’d die miserable and alone. I think that might have been one of the saddest and loneliest moments of my life (at least in regards to this topic in particular).
What stereotypes about fictosexuality do you not relate to?
Anti-social, wanting to project a “perfect person” onto the character (I honestly don’t know if this is even a real thing, but who actually cares), someone who doesn’t know how to talk to other people, etc.
What stereotypes about fictosexuality do you relate to?
Socially anxious nerd on Tumblr, I guess?
What are the most annoying things people have said to you about fictosexuality?
The first ask I got on my blog that I made to start exploring this part of myself was something like “why do you ship yourself with a literal 15 year old”. I just deleted the ask and blocked the person because I know they were baiting me, but I know I’m not the only one who gets shit like that. Aside from the fact the character is in their 30s, I developed feelings for them when I was 12, and so were they. I’m not saying there isn’t nuance and stuff to keep an eye out for in the community, but it’s the same kind of thing you need to be aware of in *every* community. Also, there was a post in the asexual Reddit that was just…saturated with people making fun of fictosexuals for being “creeps” and whatnot. It’s exhausting. Don’t read comments, y’all.
What are misconceptions about fictosexuality?
See answers to: What are things about fictosexuality you wish people understood better? & What are the most annoying things people have said to you about fictosexuality?
What are things to NOT say to a fictosexual person?
“You know they’re not real, right?”, “That’s not canon.”, “They wouldn’t like you/be like that/etc.” Trust me. I don’t know a single fictosexual person that thinks they are going to just run into their person on the street someday. We are aware. We do not need the reminder. Also, fuck canon, that changes all the time and doesn’t necessarily affect someone’s relationship to the character. All of that usually feels like it’s said in bad faith or to otherwise intentionally distress another person. It’s not cool.
What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?
I’m uncomfortable with any incredibly personal or sexually explicit questions. I’m sex-repulsed, so getting hit with that makes me wanna crawl out of my skin.
What would you like to say to anyone who is fictosexual or wondering if they are ?
Trust yourself. And if you aren’t sure, just sit with it and give it time. You don’t ever have to put yourself in a rigid box just to satisfy someone else’s curiosity. At the end of the day, you are who you are and you feel how you feel. Just use the language that feels right for you.
How involved would you say you are with the fictosexual community?
Not very. I’m a part of some small circles, but I wouldn’t say I do a whole lot. I have a tendency to appear and disappear depending on my energy levels in any given moment.
What are things you love about being fictosexual, or being part of the fictosexual community?
Have you ever seen those imagines that people make? Like, “Oh, by the way, your f/o called me and said you’re beautiful/handsome/perfect. They just wanted me to let you know. Okay, bye.” I love that so much. It’s just people sending positive energy and good vibes to each other, wanting others to feel the love that they are also seeking. And then they receive it when someone else writes that kind of post. At its best, the community feels like compassion and connection are at its core. It might not always feel like that, but it’s one of the things I love to see, personally. Just people supporting and encouraging each other.
What’d you like to say to people who question fictosexuality as a sexual orientation?
If they’re questioning in a curious way, I invite them to do research and ask questions from a place of sincere curiosity. If they’re questioning its validity, I invite them to get kicked into the sun. Seriously, we’re at a point where we’re finally breaking down social norms and expectations, and you want to draw the line of “what’s acceptable” at how someone feels towards someone that will never directly affect you in any way? Chill out. Eat some ice cream or something, maybe then you’ll feel better and stop being a gatekeeping jerk.
What are things that most fictosexual people can relate to?
I don’t think I can speak for “most” fictosexual people, but I relate to stories with an emphasis on longing for something you don’t entirely understand or can’t have, and stories where love is a source of motivation and growth, as opposed to some kind of prize won at the end of a narrative arc.
How often do you meet other fictosexual people?
Not very. Usually when someone new joins a server or interacts with me on Tumblr. There aren’t any “IRL” spaces for that kind of thing that I’m aware of. I’m more comfortable online, anyway, lol.
How do you recognise other fictosexual people irl?
I’d probably check their shirt for some kind of text or other visual indicators. Otherwise, *shrug*
How do you meet and connect with fellow fictosexual people?
Tumblr and Discord
Do you think sexuality , romantic attraction and gender identity are things that people are born with, influenced by upbringing, or both?
I think it’s complicated and unique to each individual. I also think it only matters if the person experiencing those attractions and embodying those identities decides to explore it for themselves. Otherwise, it just feels like someone’s trying to find a reason to invalidate their lived experience. That’s just my opinion, though.
What’s it like being queer in your country/society?
Well, I am in the Southern parts of the USA, so. Not ideal.
How have you been subjected to queerphobia?
Yep.
What would you like to say to queerphobic people?
Get kicked, squares.
What would you like people to know about fictosexuality?
Like any other sexuality or identity, there is no monolith. No one will have the same answers to these questions, though I imagine there will be thematic overlap. Don’t make assumptions based on your associations with the concept, or if you find that you make a judgement without meaning to, just reflect on it and ask yourself where that’s stemming from. And then be open to changing your viewpoints. But, also, there are creeps and jerks everywhere, so if someone turns out to match up with some red flags you have going off, listen to that as well. Being self-aware and also listening to your gut instinct are two practices that can and should coexist.
How can people be better allies to fictosexual people?
I like having the opportunity to answer questions like this. It gives people an opportunity to provide nuance to the experience of what it means to be fictosexual and so on. Also, just keeping an open mind and assuming benevolence when people share personal information about themselves is a pretty good practice for anyone of any sexual orientation or gender identity.
What are your favorite fictosexual quotes?
I don’t know of any, but would love to learn some!
What are some of your favorite pieces of media with authentic representation everyone should watch?
Ugh, I wish I could give some examples, but alas, I don’t have any. </3
Do you know of any fictosexual celebrities or characters?
Aside from Akihiko Kondo, who I think most people familiar with fictosexuality recognize, the only other one I can think of is “Lars and the Real Girl” and that is…not a great point of reference. I don’t even think the person is “canonically” fictosexual, but I literally can’t think of anything else. Which is kind of a bummer, actually.
https://queerkat.tumblr.com/ https://kats-comfort-corner.tumblr.com/